Monday thoughts

I need to stop caring so much about the future. I think a lot of people spend too much time worrying about what is going to be happening two or three weeks, a month from now... and in the process lose sight of what is right in front of them. The little in-between moments get caught up in preoccupation, and then are lost just as quickly as they happened. Lately, I've been worried about going back up to school and having to deal with a completely different lifestyle, one that makes me careless and apathetic at times. Laziness is also a problem I face in the near future, and everything I have come to realize as "familiar", especially my eating and exercise habits, will suddenly have a new platform to stand on. I know that the transition is not going to be easy, and honestly I'm afraid of falling off the wagon once I get there. It consumes my every thought, on top of what I have going on now, and the anticipation of difficult classes, finding a job, making money, so on so on. It's an overwhelming animal up there, one I have never before and since have never been able to reign. Even when I go up there on the weekends, I lose sight of the progresses I have made down here.

The one thing I do know is that I will never let myself become the person I was before. It is more important to me than my grades, my friends, money, romance, entertainment, and just about anything else that you can possibly think of. I have one more year of college left and the pressure to succeed is overwhelming, now in all aspects of my life. It is more than I have ever had on my plate before, and though my decision to get by physical life back together is one that I have devoted every aspect of my being to down here, my attention is forced apart up at school. When I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself "do I have what it takes, how far am I willing to go, what am I ready to sacrifice", I get a chilly feeling of emptiness, something that I can't wrap into an answer. Partly because I'm scared to, and also because I don't know if I can have the success I want in all aspects of life. At least, not without making some serious sacrifices. I don't know if I have the capacity to juggle the responsibilities I have placed on myself. It is a clusterfuck in my brain, and the hell if I know how to even sort it out, let alone come up with a solution. It is distracting me, and I don't like it.

Some of you handle so many different things, families, jobs, school, and weight loss/exercise. But as I have come to understand by reading many of your blogs, I do not seem to fit into any niche, I feel like a loner. What do you do when you just can't figure out how to make it all work... do yo sacrifice, do you find a way, or do you just do the best you can and hope everything dosen't go to hell? Do you regret giving something up to have the other, or can you look back and say I did the best I could do, despite my shortcomings?


Yeah, it is def. a Monday mood.

10 Day Before/After and day 42 of Missouri 60.

August 5th Front

August 5th Side

July 26th Front

July 26th Side



Thar they are. It is officially day number 42 of the Missouri 60 challenge, which means I have 18 days to kick some ass. Again this round, I do not see an epic slew of changes, but I have reached my fateful plateau, the 190-195 range. I have been to this weight after TRYING to get in shape only once before, and once I hit 190 about 3 years ago... my body just said "fuck you" and completely stopped. I have been very close to this number for about two weeks now, as of this morning I weighed in at 191 pounds. The hardest part of all this is of course having my injuries, which prohibit me from doing if and any strenuous exercise, so I doubt this plateau will be broken anytime soon-ish. I hope to be at full speed by next Monday, so hopefully I can break out of it in a week or two.

The weird thing is that since I have not been doing as much exercise this week, my appetite has actually spiked, tenfold. It is epic strange, no doubt, but I have resisted pretty causally and no major errors have been made. Also, I think this weekend will be a little more chill, and hopefully that cushion will help me start on the right foot come Monday.

So fun fact: I have nearly the exact same body measurements of Michel Phelps... wingspan, torso, inner leg, feet, height, and even hand length. He of course produces a third less lactic acid as a professional athlete, has double jointed everything's, and pumps blood like a locomotive on steroids and crack, but hey. At most, my measurements differ from his by about half an inch... that being the inner leg area. I'm sure if I had more precise measuring methods I could come closer to discovering the actuality behind my claims, but just looking in the mirror I can see distinct features of myself that mirror on him in a much leaner, athletic, attractive way. When I was younger I was an elite swimmer, so maybe it is time to start that back up or something... who knows what could happen. I'm stronger than I've ever been before, and close to being as lean as I was back in high school. It's something to look forward to, I guess. And god, if I trained like him... I could eat ANYTHING. If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is.



Also, budweiser came out with a 55 calorie beer? OMG thank you Belgium.

Irritated, upset, etc.

I've been feeling really bummed out lately. Sunday was horrible, I felt like shit all day, and for some reason the entire day seemed to pass by like I was not really a part of it. Like an out of body experience. It left me feeling very disillusioned and distanced from everyone and everything, I don't really know how to explain it. And my rib, oh god, it hurts so bad right now, if I try to lift anything heavy I get a sharp pain up and down my right side, and this has been causing me a great deal of anxiety. I think I will have to go the doctor again and get an x-ray, because something is not right. Then, my finger, which has swollen up badly and makes it nearly impossible to grip anything... has completely put me out of commission. I can't run because of my rib, and I can't lift because of my finger and my rib. The only thing I can do is stick to my eating and hope that somehow, I will still be able to see some progress. All of these things have left me feeling pretty hopeless and it is extremely upsetting. I wish I was more social, better at expressing my emotions, or generally just more connected to people. I spend a majority of my time alone and I think with all these recent developments, it is really starting to mess with my mentality. I am not a religious person, nor do I place much faith in anything or anyone besides myself, but I honestly can not explain why these things that are happening to me, it almost seem premeditated. Like someone or something is actually trying to make me fail or give up, all I can think about right now is how much the world and my place in it sucks. I'm hurt physically to the point I can't do what I want to do for myself right now, and there is really nobody I want to talk about it with, because I hate being a burden. I need something, some kind of relief, I just don't know what.