Monday thoughts

I need to stop caring so much about the future. I think a lot of people spend too much time worrying about what is going to be happening two or three weeks, a month from now... and in the process lose sight of what is right in front of them. The little in-between moments get caught up in preoccupation, and then are lost just as quickly as they happened. Lately, I've been worried about going back up to school and having to deal with a completely different lifestyle, one that makes me careless and apathetic at times. Laziness is also a problem I face in the near future, and everything I have come to realize as "familiar", especially my eating and exercise habits, will suddenly have a new platform to stand on. I know that the transition is not going to be easy, and honestly I'm afraid of falling off the wagon once I get there. It consumes my every thought, on top of what I have going on now, and the anticipation of difficult classes, finding a job, making money, so on so on. It's an overwhelming animal up there, one I have never before and since have never been able to reign. Even when I go up there on the weekends, I lose sight of the progresses I have made down here.

The one thing I do know is that I will never let myself become the person I was before. It is more important to me than my grades, my friends, money, romance, entertainment, and just about anything else that you can possibly think of. I have one more year of college left and the pressure to succeed is overwhelming, now in all aspects of my life. It is more than I have ever had on my plate before, and though my decision to get by physical life back together is one that I have devoted every aspect of my being to down here, my attention is forced apart up at school. When I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself "do I have what it takes, how far am I willing to go, what am I ready to sacrifice", I get a chilly feeling of emptiness, something that I can't wrap into an answer. Partly because I'm scared to, and also because I don't know if I can have the success I want in all aspects of life. At least, not without making some serious sacrifices. I don't know if I have the capacity to juggle the responsibilities I have placed on myself. It is a clusterfuck in my brain, and the hell if I know how to even sort it out, let alone come up with a solution. It is distracting me, and I don't like it.

Some of you handle so many different things, families, jobs, school, and weight loss/exercise. But as I have come to understand by reading many of your blogs, I do not seem to fit into any niche, I feel like a loner. What do you do when you just can't figure out how to make it all work... do yo sacrifice, do you find a way, or do you just do the best you can and hope everything dosen't go to hell? Do you regret giving something up to have the other, or can you look back and say I did the best I could do, despite my shortcomings?


Yeah, it is def. a Monday mood.