It just keeps getting better and better.

In other news, my best friends dad died last night... heart attack. I'll be gone for the weekend. What a shit week.

On the bright side, its been a great week for exercise and food. I'm up to running two miles every night, except for tonight for the obvious reasons. I'll get back to it tomorrow and Sunday whenever I find the time. Weighed myself after work today, I'm 203.5 so not bad, gonna push for 4 pounds by Sunday, and I want to be under 200 by Wednesday of next week. That will be my picture post day, so hopefully there will be a good improvement to see. It's starting to seem like 180 by the end of September might be just out of my reach, especially with the weight training and the muscle gain, but who knows? If I do enough cardio, I just might make it.

My brain is frying

Today has been up and down. Eating went well, the only thing that really changed was that I substituted my turkey sandwich for a corner deli sandwich on the other side of town, the greatest sandwiches ever made, if I do say so. There was a little more turkey, and non-fat cheese, but nothing to really fret over I suppose. Work was tough enough, good a good amount of shoveling and lifting stuff repeatedly, so it was at least a small workout spread throughout the day. I've officially gone 3 days without smoking, which for me is huge... and I no longer have the desire.

After work today, I took a small nap and then headed over to Mikes, only to discover he was not there. His sister let me in and I worked out anyways, he got home later, apparently he got caught up at his internship. So working out alone = not so fun, especially when your in a basement, not a gym. Gets lonely. I was looking in the mirror too, and maybe its just me, but what the hell is up with my love handles. I mean, I understand that its literally the last place fat will disappear from, but COME ON. I'm 6'4... and I weighed myself today after work: 204.5... probably more like 204-203 if I were to weigh myself in the morning. Seriously, my love handles just stick out there, as if totally unaware that I've lost 35 something pounds in the past 2 months. Given, they have disintegrated a little bit, but I feel like I'll have to lose another 30 pounds until the "V" shape is even visible. FUCKING ANNOYING AND DISAPPOINTING. I see people that weight more that me, are several inches shorter, don't workout, run, eat right... or ANYTHING... and they don't have the bodacious bulge on their sides. I'm going to war with this shit, I don't care what it takes, I'm getting rid of them, no matter what. Just pisses me off.

Ok, so... I finish working out, come home... and the first thing my dad says to me is "How can you stay up so late and still do all the things you do? Your really going to wear yourself down to a breaking point sooner or later, your not doing things the right way."

I just walked out of the room before I could say anything stupid. My blood is boiling. I understand that he might be concerned for my well being, but the much more obvious and realistic reason is because he is afraid of my success. My dad is a pretty big dude, and about 7 months ago he lost a bunch of weight, worked out all the time, and then just gave up and gained it all back. It really tore him up, and I know he is upset with himself, but he dosen't have to fucking stomp on me in order to make himself feel better. He didn't even try to hide his condecending tone and "talk down to others" voice. The right way is a way that WORKS FOR YOU. But this dosen't just go for my dad, I think a lot of people get pissed off when other people succed, especially where they haven't. Or, if they have, you'll often notice on most of these blogs people will say "Congrats (so and so), you know, I'm six months in, I've lost 513 pounds, I workout 8 hours a day, and here is a list of my dietary supplements, grocery, and a rough draft of the novel I'm working on to share my successes!"

I'm just as guilty of this, because I follow the same rules that everyone else does, and I care more about myself than I do most anything else. But I don't tell people their success is bullshit, or that they are doing something wrong and then not offer up any solution or alternative in a nice, formal way, or take away from their success by implating my own in the little comment box thing.

So yeah, I'm pissed off. Pissed off that I've recieved almost no support in any of this, both here and in the "real" world. I'm not talking about you Steve, your a stand up guy with a great heart and have been a world of motivation and support. You too Tricia. My mom has been great about everything as well. But, I just feel alone in most of this, and if that's the way its going to be, I'm cool with it, but sure as fuck makes everything harder. I know about 100% of you don't agree with what I'm doing or how I'm doing it, but I wouldn't recieve condecending comments or hate mail if people wern't afraid that WHAT I DO MIGHT BE DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU DO, AND MY WAY WORKS. So, instead of putting people down and sitting on your high horse of self-satifacting, misery-spewing bullshit, get up and do something about your own problems, and prove to everyone just how right you are. Here, I'll start: Time to run, peace.

Before/After 10 day pictures, #2

All right! So I know it's the 7th and I said I would post before/after pics yesterday, but I was just so busy and could not find the time. But I do have the pictures, and here they are! Remember, these are pictures with a ten day difference as of yesterday, July 6th.







June 26th

June 26th

July 6th

July 6th


So obviously this time around not a huge difference, though I do see some small improvements. I think my muscle is beginning to show a little more, which is plenty exciting enough for me. Overall I would say a pretty successful before/after session. I'm certainly satisfied. Haven't weighed myself today or anything, I'll do that tomorrow morning, and finally be completely up to date. Only 49 more days left in my Missouri 60 challenge! I'm determined to win so hard. Anyways, have to go work out alone tonight, Mike is sick. Have a good night everyone.


"Some people listen to themselves, rather than listen to what others say. These people don't come along very often, but when they do... they remind us. That once you set out on a path, even though critics may doubt you, it is ok to believe that there is no CAN'T, WON'T, or IMPOSSIBLE...... and they remind us that it is ok to believe.........

Impossible is nothing."

What a day...

Ok, so I have to work in like 5 hours, so those pictures will be going up tomorrow along with a nice long post. I've told myself this is going to be my most impressive week so far, and so far it is going well... I have a lot of pent up anger to burn on exercise. Problem is, it takes up most of my day, as you can see. So, I'm going to the sack so I don't fall asleep on the job. Good luck tomorrow everyone!

Deep breaths...

Feeling much better now, getting some rest helped. I've done a lot of thinking today, and its more important for me to focus on my goals than anything else right now. I can't let people get me down. I'm going to make this a great week, and come back with positive results, all while stepping closer and closer to my goals. Weighed myself this morning, 207. That's 33 pounds in less than 3 months. My next goal is 205, hopefully sometime later this week. I will be posting 10 day before/after pictures tomorrow, so stay tuned.

My hate is justified.

I know that I'm not much of a people person, not the best writer, and hard to get along with at times. It makes blogging hard, and its even harder to write how I'm actually feeling. I figure that by concealing myself in some way, I wouldn't be forced into allowing my emotions dictate the nature of my thoughts. Tonight, I was reminded why. My life has been filled with many people, great friends, and honest, deep loves... though every close relationship I've ever had with someone has ended in ruin. I have friends, but nobody I can call in a moment of need. My relationships with people are arbitrary, false in many ways... and it works because I rarely get hurt. The sadness of this reality is knowing that I wasn't always this way, at one point I had many close friends, a girl I was deeply in love with, and she loved me just this same. Tonight, I was hurt. Maybe it was my weight, or my self-disappointment, but over time those relationships began to disappear. I found myself lonelier and lonelier, to the point I began to wonder if I would die alone one day. There was one person that kept me going, gave me hope in all those times of need. She was my best friend, she knew everything about me. She saw me at my worst, my best, and all the in-between. We were together, in love, for three years. My love for her never faded. Tonight I discovered she has for some time been lying to me, and has been with someone else for weeks, behind my back. My heart has been broken, again... because I trusted someone. Someone I thought I would always love, and always be able to trust. My last connection with someone on a deep emotional level has been ripped away, and sitting alone here in this big, dark house... it is a terrifying low point in my life. I feel completely empty, my mind fills with the thoughts of her and him, together, enjoying the life I wanted her and I to have. A life we used to have.

This begs to destroy everything I have been working toward, all of my progress hangs with my slivers of rational thought. Something this powerful does have the capacity to destroy me... because I have nowhere else to go. Besides my family, I truly have no one I can turn to in this world. I have to rely on myself, my own strengths. A lot of people think I'm crazy when I tell them how hard I work to achieve my goals, others think I am destroying my body by limiting and exerting it so much. Many people don't understand my motivations because they have never had to rely solely on themselves, in every aspect. If I fail to achieve what it is I set out to do, it will be the last straw. It will destroy me. I might not be obese to the point my life is physically in danger, but my spiritual and emotional life is. You can take from that what you like, and I really don't give a shit whether or not you approve. My point is, so many people are ungrateful for the people and support in their lives, in struggles, in accomplishments. If you have that support, and it brings you peace in times of chaos, or solace in times of unrest, or comfort in times of need, do something to ensure that those people never fade from your life. Thank them, show the gratitude that should be enveloping your every thought. Despite your personal struggles whether they be weight or looks or work or school, remember the people that keep you going day by day, and love them deeply.

I, on the other hand, will make this a weapon. I will use this pure, unadulterated hate to drive myself. I will fight with resentment and contempt for all the utter failures that have become marking points in my life. I will carry on with the irreversible anger caused by my childish attempts to trust and love ANYTHING but myself. I will never give another person the ability to hurt or change me. The world is a despicable, angry, fucked up place, and I see no happiness in it. So I will make my own. And I will not fail. And nobody is going to stop me.

Happy fucking 4th of July. Hope your day was just peachy.