Ah, the first week of class...

All right, time to blog. Yeah I know I haven't been up in this much for about a week and a half, but its not because I have been lazy. I just have a crap ton of things going on right now and it has been insane. So basically last week I got everything I needed to get done for school, and then I went job hunting and got really lucky, I have my third interview today with the GM so I will most likely know whether or not I'm hired by tonight... which will be a relief either way. Then of course school was about to start and I was going out with friends celebrating in the only way a college kid can, gratuitous amounts of alcohol. I have to say that despite my indulgences over the past two weeks, my body has responded terrifically. In fact, I actually lost weight and as of right now am sitting around the 178 -180 range, so at least I know I'm doing something right despite all the shenanigans. I think a lot of that has to do with how worried I was about coming back up to school, knowing the temptations would be there... but planning ahead and being conscious of food all the time every day has really helped. I haven't even had a hangover binge, which is a huge accomplishment for me. The only thing I have had trouble with is the working out, with all the sudden changes it has been hard for me to find a niche, so that is the next big obstacle I must overcome. Luckily now everything is settling down and I will have more time to figure things out. I'll def. start on Monday, if not sometime this weekend. Oh, and far as I know still... date on Friday :) I hope that works out because I'm sick of this being lonely, doing my own laundry, living like a complete bachelor thing... even despite the perks. I'll be sure to post back with the news on that battlefield. Oh boy! TIME FOR ANOTHER CLASS! Ugh. Have a good one everyone.

I'm Alive

I'm alive, its just been nuts, I'm sorry for those of you concerned. Everything is fine, job prospect looks good and I'm nearly ready for school to start. Gotta run back to cinci today, might make a longer post out of this tonight, once I get back. Have a good one everybody.

Crazy Week

Hmm... hovering around 185 right now. It's been a crazy week what with me getting ready to go back up to school, probably tonight. I hope to finally get over to mikes and get a good lift in beforehand, then I have dinner with friends down here and about 6 million errands to run. I fell off a little bit, for some reason my craving for salt and carbs has been off the charts. It's not the way I wanted to go back up but I should have expected the craziness to get to me a little bit. No rest, no mercy, no matter what. I'm getting it back together today, food has been great and tomorrow the rest and relaxation should get me ready for the weekend challenges, including the massive beer drinking assosciated with football. I will be no more than 180 by next Thursday, mark my words.... and I will never fall off like I have these past few days ever again. It's depressing but a good reality check... I'm not invincible. Not yet.

BUCKEYE OPENER

Well I am going to have literally no time to post this weekend, so I might as well do it now while I'm getting paid, right?

So this morning I hopped on the ol' scale again and got something I really didn't expect... 179.5

Now, I have no idea how this happened but it seemed like just two weeks ago I was fighting tooth and nail with 190, then all the sudden I'm dropping weight like its no big thing. Which in fact, I am no longer. This is a good and bad thing, as much as losing all this weight has done both for my image and mentality... there is still much left to be done. I have almost zero definition in the midsection... and for some reason I STILL HAVE FREAKIN' LOVE HANDLES. Aggravating. But at least some numbers are going in the right direction and it is getting close time to start seriously focusing on my muscle building... which will mean a change in diet. I feel this is something I will have to ease into as it will obviously be more calories, and I don't want to over do it on my first few attempts. One thing I will have to start thinking about is how to plan my meals entirely different, especially since I will be going back to school soon. If I want to lift and successfully build muscle, I'm going to have to up my protein intake probably 5x what it is now, and I'm going to have to spread that through a day of short, small meals, approaching somewhere in the network of 2000-2200 calories of dense, wholesome food a day. It's going to be a helluva lot more challenging than forcing myself into the gym, thats for sure.

Anyways, I got Red Lobster endlesss shrimp tonight, Buckeye opening day tomorrow, and probably chillin' with my friends up in Columbus on Sunday... then my sisters birthday on Monday. Yeah, busy, and a lot of challenging scenerios nutrition wise. I gotsta go, have a great weekened everyone

Apologetic Wednesdays

I feel I have to apologize. Oftentimes when I get on to make a post, I have an idea rolling around in my head and it tends to turn into mindless bitching with no real thought or purpose. So, I'm sorry for that.

On to the good news... I jumped on the scale this morning and it read 181.5. Now, I don't fool myself, obviously getting on the scale in the morning is guarenteeing that your not actually seeing a true body weight... simply because eating and drinking during the day always adds to the count. But hell, I can't remember a single moment, ever, when I saw a number that low in respect to my weight... so I'll take it. I have no idea how either... last week I all but gorged myself but somehow my body responded positivly. Maybe I actually needed all the food, who knows. Anyways, I don't look the way I want to in the mirror so obviously there is a ton of work left to do, it is just great to finally be past that 190 misery, and hopefully things will start to look more cut as time progresses. Anyways, I have to get back to work. Have a great rest of the week everyone.

The Shitstorm

I have not been sticking to my word lately. It has really bothered me these past couple of days, and I can't get the feeling out of my head. There is nothing worse than being disappointed in yourself... of this I am sure. Summer 09 has been such an insane trip... I can hardly believe it is going to end so soon. I remember looking at myself in the mirror almost three months ago and not being able to convince myself that I was worth anything better than what I had, not capable of any obstacle worth overcoming... but somehow I found a way to get this far. For the first time that I can literally ever remember... this summer I finally felt happy with the person I was. Happy, but not satisfied...though once I reached that point, a lot of my motivation went flying out the window. I feel like I deserve to eat and exercise like a normal person, but if I were normal to begin with... I probably wouldn't be here. Coming to terms with the fact that I am not where I want to be, probably never will be, and having to constantly be aware of that... what a mind job. I walk into a restaurant and see all the angles... I can name the calories in at least half the foods at any fast food joint, exercising is not something I do for endurance or because it feels good after.... I do it so I can live with myself when I look in the mirror the next day.

When I broke my foot, I was completely incapacitated for two days. The depression was overwhelming, only twice have I ever felt that shitty in my life, that being the third, and its already happened once before this summer. I made it through early July, though the pain was not physical. But those two days last week, it was both physical and mental... my whole world had come crashing to the ground, I had no way to prepare myself as I have been for the move to Ohio State. My exercise went to shit, I was laying around feeling sorry for myself, but at the same time trying to avoid all the food that would have temporarily made me feel better. I would have given myself a D+ food-wise and a fail for exercise... but it was an odd excuse that I could not avoid. I thought I was going to be completely immobilized for 6 weeks or better, and if my foot does not heal right... I will need surgery with a two month recovery time. My luck tells me there is probably a surgery in the future. Despite this, after my visit with the doctor and my brand new cast, I was back on my feet (kind of) and able to go back to work to do light duty. I felt great, I ate right for the next few days, and then the weekend hit, all the family came into town, and there was way too much drinking, way too much food. It was the craziest weekend I have had so far this summer, and I had a great time, was able to forgive myself for slipping hard, and was ready for another week of healthy livin.

As the forces of fate love me so, this morning I am contacted by the person responsible for why the entire month of July (and the past two years, for that matter) sucked shit harder than Creed's new single. I won't lie about it, her betrayal is one of the key reasons why I push myself so hard... it is just a never-ending pool of hate from which I dip massive amounts of motivation. I wear the necklace she gave me still, just to remind myself when I look in the mirror. I purposly think about her just to get pissed off whenever I don't want to lift or run, or when eating a gallon of ice cream sounds like my best option. By now, most of you that read know that I'm a person that dwells on hate... and if I have no channel... it grows inward. I think a lot of people avoid hate because they fear the evils and torments that are often assosciated with it.... but I would have to say that both hate for myself and hate for those who have directly fucked up my life are the main reasons why I've lost 50 pounds in something like 3 months. So to say that I was happy with myself for the first time I have ever remembered is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. I found a way to make hate useful, suffice to say. It might be worth noting that when I was younger, I suffered from severe anxiety and depression, so bad that I refused treatment simply because I didn't believe I was worth it. Since then, things have gotten much better and I have found ways to control the depression and most of the anxiety, but my x factor continues to be other people in my life. I was actually told to try blogging by a good friend of mine because he worries that I don't have enough connection with others in my life... and well... I do this now because it feels good to get things out in the open and let people know... but I wouldn't put myself on any blogroll, that's for sure. And I'm OK with that... this is a good place for me reguardless, and there are a few awesome people that I stay pretty regular with... and it is enough.

The point of all this is... a lot of that hate came back when she contacted me today, and I've been so fucked up by my (oot, rib, finger, back, knee and shoulder injuries, (not to mention a bee sting) these past few weeks, I just went completely off the handle when I got her message. It was overwhelming and uncontrollable.... I couldn't even see straight when I finished reading what she had to say. I don't know if its healthy anymore, but I don't know how to deal with all of... this. I'm just completely, totally and utterly out of whack... and I'm starting to blame myself for it. Angry that I'm exhausted, that I don't want to lift. Pissed off that I can't control my emotions around her, and we life across the street from one another. Lonely every moment. Scared that it is my fault, that I'm going to ruin something else too. Depressed that I can't stop feeling like every day is a fucking war against the world. Ashamed for skipping workouts, even if my foot is busted, I can still do upper body while sitting, right? I mean... its a god damned clusterfuck in brain. I just can't get it together. I can't focus. To make matters worst, I'm going into my toughest year yet up at school, and this one is for the marbles.

What the fuck do I have to do? Do I sack up and go to work and continue working out, hoping that I don't need surgery? If I stop working or working out completely, busted foot or not, I'm going to be letting myself and my Dad down, not to mention I'll be about a thousand bucks short going back to school.

Do I not work out, not go to work, and just lay around all day? Every second tempted by gratuitious amounts of delicious food? Will I get even more depressed if I'm not doing anything? What if my foot turns out all right and I feel like I wasted an immense aount of time for nothing? What if I can't find a job while I'm up at school and my money inevitably runs out three months before school ends?


And what about all that completely unpredicable emotional crap? What is best for my spirit? I can't fall down the rabbit hole, but my sanity is dwindling as is.


What would you do?

A sigh of relief

Good news, I went to the orthopedic doctor today and he gave me a solid diagnosis (broken bone in foot) and put me in a walking cast, so I can move around and stuff. He also said I can do anything within my comfort level while in the cast, so that means I can go back to work and do stuff around the office and yard, like clean and weed eating. Also, I should be able to get back to working out... obviously I won't be able to do any cardio or leg exercises, but I will be able to do arms, chest, and some shoulder and back exercises. It should tide me over at least until 6 weeks have passed and I'm hopefully healed. I'm going to take my 10 day picture update tomorrow morning and post it sometime later in the day, so I think I will just switch my ten day over to that point, (the 28th) and just go every ten days from there. I'm in a good mood now, basically because I'm not confined to crutches. I'll just have to make the best of things I guess, and hope that after 6 weeks everything is going well and therefore won't need surgery. Anyways, family is in town, so I'm going to go visit with them. Have a good rest of the week everyone.

Because I'm a terrible person.

Broke my foot. Fuck my life. Today is the last day of Missouri 60, and I don't give a shit. I'm off my feet for at least a month, probably surgery too, then another month off my feet again. Goodbye gym, goodbye treadmill, goodbye construction work. Can't drive, so goodbye looking for another job up at school. I might bitch and moan sometimes, but I just can't fucking stand this anymore. I hold doors open for people, I lend money, I go out of my way, I never talk bad about people, I always do my job, and I try my best. I put my family first, help friends in need. I can't even remember the last time I asked for something with ill-thought. I keep trying, trying, trying to do this for myself, to stick with my plans, to get in shape, to be healthy, happy, and in control of my own physical fate, yet every single time I seem on the brink of achieving this kind of change or control, a wrench gets thrown right into the gear shaft. I do it myself, I don't ask for help, and I hardly make excuses. I am doing my best, and I guess that means the universe has to try its best to fuck you up, so fucking hard, that you just don't give a shit anymore. Well I don't give a shit anymore. I'll still diet and whatev but I can't do any exercise so whatever, I guess its just back to square one. Right before I have to go back to school too. It's so ironic that my biggest fear was going back to school and now I have to put up with being basically a sedentary cripple with a severe addiction to food. So, naturally, I'm just going to blame this one on God and as far as I'm concerned he can go fuck himself. Maybe i'll just start being a dickface asshole and everything will magically get better. I'll start poppin' my collar and drinkin a case of nati every night, then go out to a clup and slobber all over the shanky bitches, then light a dumpster on fire on my way home. Afterward me and my "bros" will get back to the crib, find a baseball bat, and go beat up some homeless guy. You know, something normal for a Monday night, instead of trying to help my neighbor move a couch out of her basement because medic-aid won't cover the cancer bills and consequently she has to move into a smaller placee. Of course, If I hadn't been out being all good neighbor and shit, I wouldn't have lost my grip on the couch and fallen down thirteen stairs and broken my foot. So I guess its my own fucking fault and I should just shut the fuck up.

Back from Columbus

I had a really great weekend. I went up to Columbus and got to see a bunch of my old friends, which was really a stupendous experience. Moreover, I got tons of comments regarding the amount of weight I have lost, especially from people who have not seen me in awhile. It was totally awesome. With that said, I ate and drank way too much, but for some reason I don't feel like I have gained too much. When I left on Friday, I weighed 186.5 after work, and tomorrow I will weigh myself and report in with the wicked details. I also noticed this weekend that it is significantly harder for me to eat nearly as much as I was able to before, so hopefully that will work to my advantage when I eventually go back up to school. This week I want to be as perfect as possible and push myself hard... just to reaffirm how much I have improved both physically and mentally. I want to know where I stand, and I want to decide what the next step will be... because maintaining is not my goal, I want to have a killer body and an iron clad mental toughness. Two more days till the end of the Missouri 60 challenge. I'm excited to see the differences. Anyways, I have a tough week prepared for myself, so it is time to get to bed. Have a great week everyone.

No, really. I'm Alive.

Hey everyone. Sorry it has taken me so long to post anything... like I said before it has been a rough, busy week. Good news though, I have seemingly broken past the 190 mark... the scale has been giving me readings in the 180's for the past couple days, as of right now it sits at 186. I'm happy to have finally seen some progress after the past couple of weeks, even though my eating has been less than perfect. It has been hard, staying with things and not seeing the progress reflect back, but somehow and with divine intervention, my somewhat sub-par efforts (especially on the weekends) have not left me sitting out to dry, ten pounds heavier than I was a month ago. I appear to be on track to easily hit the 180 mark by at least mid September, then again my body tends to do strange things so I don't know if that is a solid statement. Hopefully everything works out for the best. I feel kind of lame with such a short post, but there is not much more to say. I went ahead and skipped the picture but I will post one on the 25th and get everything nice and up to date, and that is all I got people. Good luck with all the endeavors (and shenanigans) this weekend.

I'm alive.

I've been extremely busy this past week, and we did not have internet for about three days as well. This is my first time online in about five days or so. I have my pictures and updates, but I will have to post them later... got things to do. Good luck this week everyone.

Monday thoughts

I need to stop caring so much about the future. I think a lot of people spend too much time worrying about what is going to be happening two or three weeks, a month from now... and in the process lose sight of what is right in front of them. The little in-between moments get caught up in preoccupation, and then are lost just as quickly as they happened. Lately, I've been worried about going back up to school and having to deal with a completely different lifestyle, one that makes me careless and apathetic at times. Laziness is also a problem I face in the near future, and everything I have come to realize as "familiar", especially my eating and exercise habits, will suddenly have a new platform to stand on. I know that the transition is not going to be easy, and honestly I'm afraid of falling off the wagon once I get there. It consumes my every thought, on top of what I have going on now, and the anticipation of difficult classes, finding a job, making money, so on so on. It's an overwhelming animal up there, one I have never before and since have never been able to reign. Even when I go up there on the weekends, I lose sight of the progresses I have made down here.

The one thing I do know is that I will never let myself become the person I was before. It is more important to me than my grades, my friends, money, romance, entertainment, and just about anything else that you can possibly think of. I have one more year of college left and the pressure to succeed is overwhelming, now in all aspects of my life. It is more than I have ever had on my plate before, and though my decision to get by physical life back together is one that I have devoted every aspect of my being to down here, my attention is forced apart up at school. When I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself "do I have what it takes, how far am I willing to go, what am I ready to sacrifice", I get a chilly feeling of emptiness, something that I can't wrap into an answer. Partly because I'm scared to, and also because I don't know if I can have the success I want in all aspects of life. At least, not without making some serious sacrifices. I don't know if I have the capacity to juggle the responsibilities I have placed on myself. It is a clusterfuck in my brain, and the hell if I know how to even sort it out, let alone come up with a solution. It is distracting me, and I don't like it.

Some of you handle so many different things, families, jobs, school, and weight loss/exercise. But as I have come to understand by reading many of your blogs, I do not seem to fit into any niche, I feel like a loner. What do you do when you just can't figure out how to make it all work... do yo sacrifice, do you find a way, or do you just do the best you can and hope everything dosen't go to hell? Do you regret giving something up to have the other, or can you look back and say I did the best I could do, despite my shortcomings?


Yeah, it is def. a Monday mood.

10 Day Before/After and day 42 of Missouri 60.

August 5th Front

August 5th Side

July 26th Front

July 26th Side



Thar they are. It is officially day number 42 of the Missouri 60 challenge, which means I have 18 days to kick some ass. Again this round, I do not see an epic slew of changes, but I have reached my fateful plateau, the 190-195 range. I have been to this weight after TRYING to get in shape only once before, and once I hit 190 about 3 years ago... my body just said "fuck you" and completely stopped. I have been very close to this number for about two weeks now, as of this morning I weighed in at 191 pounds. The hardest part of all this is of course having my injuries, which prohibit me from doing if and any strenuous exercise, so I doubt this plateau will be broken anytime soon-ish. I hope to be at full speed by next Monday, so hopefully I can break out of it in a week or two.

The weird thing is that since I have not been doing as much exercise this week, my appetite has actually spiked, tenfold. It is epic strange, no doubt, but I have resisted pretty causally and no major errors have been made. Also, I think this weekend will be a little more chill, and hopefully that cushion will help me start on the right foot come Monday.

So fun fact: I have nearly the exact same body measurements of Michel Phelps... wingspan, torso, inner leg, feet, height, and even hand length. He of course produces a third less lactic acid as a professional athlete, has double jointed everything's, and pumps blood like a locomotive on steroids and crack, but hey. At most, my measurements differ from his by about half an inch... that being the inner leg area. I'm sure if I had more precise measuring methods I could come closer to discovering the actuality behind my claims, but just looking in the mirror I can see distinct features of myself that mirror on him in a much leaner, athletic, attractive way. When I was younger I was an elite swimmer, so maybe it is time to start that back up or something... who knows what could happen. I'm stronger than I've ever been before, and close to being as lean as I was back in high school. It's something to look forward to, I guess. And god, if I trained like him... I could eat ANYTHING. If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is.



Also, budweiser came out with a 55 calorie beer? OMG thank you Belgium.

Irritated, upset, etc.

I've been feeling really bummed out lately. Sunday was horrible, I felt like shit all day, and for some reason the entire day seemed to pass by like I was not really a part of it. Like an out of body experience. It left me feeling very disillusioned and distanced from everyone and everything, I don't really know how to explain it. And my rib, oh god, it hurts so bad right now, if I try to lift anything heavy I get a sharp pain up and down my right side, and this has been causing me a great deal of anxiety. I think I will have to go the doctor again and get an x-ray, because something is not right. Then, my finger, which has swollen up badly and makes it nearly impossible to grip anything... has completely put me out of commission. I can't run because of my rib, and I can't lift because of my finger and my rib. The only thing I can do is stick to my eating and hope that somehow, I will still be able to see some progress. All of these things have left me feeling pretty hopeless and it is extremely upsetting. I wish I was more social, better at expressing my emotions, or generally just more connected to people. I spend a majority of my time alone and I think with all these recent developments, it is really starting to mess with my mentality. I am not a religious person, nor do I place much faith in anything or anyone besides myself, but I honestly can not explain why these things that are happening to me, it almost seem premeditated. Like someone or something is actually trying to make me fail or give up, all I can think about right now is how much the world and my place in it sucks. I'm hurt physically to the point I can't do what I want to do for myself right now, and there is really nobody I want to talk about it with, because I hate being a burden. I need something, some kind of relief, I just don't know what.

Ouch.

So, lol. I went out hoping to have a good Friday night, and ended up in the emergency room after I sliced my hand open with a knife. I got a sweet cut, six stitches, and a $100 co-pay. Awesome. It went down to the bone and I nicked the tendon in my finger, so I'm basically not allowed to do anything with my right hand except change the gauze and brace. Needless to say I felt I deserved something after three hours in the emergency room on a friday night, so me and my buddy went to skyline at 3 in the morning. I got about half of what I used to get. Then this morning, I had an omellete and some fruit at Ihop. I had a few drinks too earlier in the evening (I was not drunk when I cut myself, btw) so it has not been the best weekend so far diet-wise, but tonight I will be heading up to columbus and hopefully I can be more conscious of my choices. But yeah, so I hope your weekend is going better than mine haha, have a good one people.

Blah

I'm a little bummed out today, and I have no idea why. Work was all right, nothing too special or exciting, and then I came home and slept. I got a call at around 7, my dad went to the emergency room because he was having chest pains, so I was there for about two hours, but everything seems to be all right now, though they are keeping him overnight. I dunno... I guess lately I have just had no motivation and I can't figure out why. I feel like my progress has been great but reaching my target weight seems like such an ordeal at times, and I ask myself... can I keep this up forever? One thing that really gets to me is cardio... I just can't ever seem to stay in the frame of mind that forces me to get out there and do it. It does not help that I just hate every second of it, and it really does not seem to be helping a whole lot. I mean, don't get me wrong... I've lost over 40 pounds and all, but how much credit can I give to jogging every once in awhile? And here I am, trying so desperately to get below 190 at least, and I'm on the verge of saying screw running and just continue my normal workout with Mike n' stuff. Plus, my rib is like epic sore, so working out just causes me more and more pain. And I didn't get to lift tonight because I was at the hospital... blah blah blah blah. I'm aggravated, and I feel a little distanced from my perspectives right now. These moods seem to come in waves, sometimes it is just so hard to stay focused because it requires an intense amount of mental energy. I would truly like to see some more distinct results... even though it has barely been two months, I can't shake the feeling that for the amount of effort I put into everything, my reward is bittersweet and not exactly what I expected. Three years ago, it was the reason I just said "fuck it" and went off my diet, stopped running, and gained all the weight back. I know that it is not going to happen this time because I actually enjoy lifting and eating healthy, because it makes me feel better about myself and also, my energy level is great. But like, I feel like I can't really enjoy the little things anymore, and it is disheartening. I'm in a really sour mood right now and I just feel like bitching about this endlessly, so I'll cut it off here in hopes of sparing the few of you. I'll see how my progress is at the end of the week, and hopefully some good news will reinforce my reslove. Hopefully. Anyways, have a good one, and keep making good choices.

10 day before/after and day 30 of Missouri 60

July 26th

July 26th

July 16th

July 16th


I dunno, you tell me. I did drop about 4 pounds though. I can't really see much of a difference.


So the reunion was good, I avoided all the bad food and I played football for about 3 hours, which was awesome. But it had a downside, because I think I bruised a rib while playing, and now I am nervous that it is going to mess with my working out for the week. Right now I'm at a standstill trying to decide whether or not to go through with chest day and take it slow, but I just don't know. Very aggravating. And I have been really freakin' tired these last few days, no idea why. Maybe it's just a Monday. Well, there you have it... 29 days left on my Missouri 60 challenge... I don't know if anyone else is even still doing it, lol. Anyways, I have to go food shopping, so see ya and have a great week!

Another vacation.

I'm in Pennsylvania right now, for a family reunion tomorrow. Been here since last night. It's been pretty good so far, haven't gone off my eating, and my sister has a bowflex in the basement, so I was able to do a decent arm workout, but not as sore today as I would like to be. Ran two miles last night as well, and today is my last day for the week, abs, back and running. I'll be getting to that later tonight. My brother might be coming over, which is pretty cool because I have never met or spoken to him before... I guess him and my dad had a sort-of falling out sometime around the time I was born. We will see how that goes...

Vacations are hard, we went out to breakfast this morning and of course the menu tried to kill me. I had two eggs, a piece of sausage, and a slice of toast, and took the other half home for my sister. Last night it was sausage and chicken pasta, and I had a chicken breast. I just keep reminding myself that Sunday is my official picture/weigh in day, and of course every say comes closer to my finishing the Missouri 60. I will be halfway done on Sunday, so it should be easier to judge and predict the type of progress I can make in the next 30 days.

Interesting note, I found this website that calculates your maximum fitness potential based on your height and wrist/ankle circumference, a lot of bodybuilders use the program because it is very accurate, suprisingly. With a calculated body fat percentage of ten, my maximum muscle potential is a 53' chest, 15' forearms, 19' biceps... and I can't remember the rest off the top of my head because I'm on a different computer and don't have the link available... but let's just say I have a long way to go.


Time for family time, have a good day everyone.

Success is a state of mind

We all have rough days, no doubt... and sometimes they can be to the point you begin making excuses for why you DON'T have to do something, or why TOMORROW is a much more opportune time. Sometimes it is completely unavoidable and in fact you will not be able to do what it is you set out to do, but when your just sitting around making excuses simply because they exist, well, your not being serious about what you want. A lot of people will say that fitness begins in the kitchen, but I would have to say that the true source of power comes from your mind. I know that most of you probably think about food, exercise and what you have to do later pretty much 24/7... I know that it is never off your mind. I know because I am the exact same way, and I know just how exhausting it can be. I guarantee that whatever your making an excuse for, right now, is complete bullshit. You can actually do whatever it is you need to do to get the job done and you damn well know it just like I do. It starts in your head, and there is no way around that, so just make the decision to do it. Your going to feel better, live better, and overall just be better.

When you don't want to do it, do it. That is the weapon of this war.

Value The Work

"We must remember that confidence kills. It will rob you of your desire and cheat you out of future victories and success. The ones who stay successful are those who realize the hunt is never over. One touchdown or one hundred touchdowns are the same thing if you don’t value the work."
- Animal

I've been so fired up this week. I got home on Sunday and saw my progress decline, I felt completely desolate and unworthy of all my sacrifices, and then a moment of clarity. It was when I realized that this is for good, and nothing is going stop me from getting there. Just knowing that kind of power exists inside of me is a refreshing sense of reality. But confidence can be a downfall. Knowing that I can does not mean that I will, and it is important to stay focused even when it begins to seem easy to dig deep and nail out the struggles. I have struggles left, demons to face, plenty of obstacles to overcome. What am I willing to give, knowing what the results will be? The truth is, I do not know what the results will be, for certainly I could die tomorrow and never get to where I want to be. But that is kind of the magic, that I will never be where I want to be, and the struggles will rise and fall just as they always have before. I'm just climbing higher mountains now. I'm climbing two right now, and I know that when I reach the top, there will be another. And another. Till the day I die, I will be climbing mountains and reaching out for what I desire. That mentality has been with me for the past few days, and it has never wavered. It has transcended my need and by desire because I have embedded it into my character over the course of this summer, and I think Sunday was something of a breaking point. I value the work, and I understand not only why I must continue, but why I can, and how to tap into that source of my mentality whenever it is needed. And I need it, all the time.

Weekends, so bittersweet.

I went up to Columbus for the weekend, and lets just say things didn't go so well on the nutrition front. I don't really know what I was thinking, or why I ate the things I did, even though it was not completely terrible. I drank a good amount and with that came the food, but I'm back on track now. I retained a shitload of water, I about threw my scale out the window last night when I checked the damage, and I'd rather not say exactly how much I fucked up yet because it would be inaccurate, I'll get a better reading tomorrow once my body has gotten into the swing of things.

I came to a hard realization this weekend, and I'm almost glad it happened. I'm glad that I went up there this weekend and more or less did what I do during the school year, and saw the damage when I got home. I have realized that my body is not designed to process efficiently, and it will probably never do what I want it to do. Simple fact of the matter is, despite my size, my muscle mass, and the amount of exercise I do, my metabolism is just plain crap. I can not afford to eat and drink like others despite my size, and if I seriously want to transform myself, I'm probably going to have to eat like I do now for the rest of my life. I won't be able to just splurge every once in awhile, or have an extra beer, or eat a cheeseburger now and then. It is probably the first time in my life that I have come to accept that bitter fact, and right now I'm struggling to see it becoming a reality in the long term. My mental toughness is not where it needs to be.

As far as losing weight is concerned, it is just the first step of this journey. Unlike most people, I do not necessarily want to be skinny. In fact, I want to be huge. I want to rip shirts, press ridiculous amounts of weight, sport arms the size of watermelons, and crack walnuts with my pecs. It has always been a dream of mine, one I thought was unattainable until I started lifting regularly, and coming to discover that I can actually keep consistent and enjoy myself as well. The problem right now is that I am trying to lose the excess body fat that hinders me from doing more difficult, highly efficient exercises, as well as sap my energy. Also, I am not able to fully benefit from a bodybuilding diet because the amount of protein and complex carbohydrates should be designed to maintain current body fat percentages and maximize muscle growth. As much as I want to drink creatine and protein shakes, eat half a dozen eggs, two chicken breasts, two bowls of oatmeal, and two turkey sandwiches every day, it is not going to help me lose the excess body fat. That is a diet designed specifically for maintaing and rebuilding, not losing and building. I eat a decent amount of food every day, I always shoot for about 80g of protien, 80f carbs, and somewhere around 2400 calories, but bodybuilding requires much more. I have to tweak my goals a bit, and do some experimenting, but I can not do those things until I reach my desired weight overall, which right now is 180lbs. Once I do reach 180, I think I will take a week or two to determine exactly how much I have to eat (calorie wise) simply to maintain that constant weight, and then subsitute it with bodybuilding style diet high in protiens, viatamins, and aminos at that exact calorie mark. I have been doing a lot of reading and most people who lose weight first do essientially the same thing, so I think my plan is solid. Ideally I would like to weigh about 200lbs, but I want that 20lbs in muscle. So, its going to be a long, tough journey, and it is not going to be easy. I'm scared of the next five years, to be honest, just as much as I look forward to them. Hopefully by the age of 25, I will be where I want to be.

Ok, so I'm rambling... I just had to get all that off my chest. Whew. Have a good week everyone.

10 day before/after pictures, 40 days left in Missouri 60

July 6th

July 6th

July 16th

July 16th



Well, there you have it. I personally liked the results of my pictures this week. I weighed myself around the normal time today... 198 lbs. I can't even begin to describe how great that makes me feel, but I'm sure most of you can guess. Looking at these pictures, it is hard to tell exactly how much body fat I have left, which also makes it difficult to judge just how much it is I want to lose. For right now I'm going to stick with 185 and see what happens over these next few weeks.

Didn't lift tonight, but I'm about to go run. Mike is sick or something, and since we use his house, well, that's the downside to not having a gym membership. On the bright side, my food was perfect today, and once again I got to kick my ass at work. Yay. It is getting late, I have to get out there and get this run in before I talk myself out of it. TOMORROW IS FRIDAY YES THANK YOU YESYESYES!!!

Not my best, and no excuse for it.

I consider today a failure, because I ate a cookie. Work was incredibly brutal, lifted with Mike, and ate this huge, delicious cookie with sprinkles. And icing. I don't know what happened, we were sitting in the kitchen halfway through the workout, munching on almonds, and we see this big bag of cookies from Blue Chip, and it was all over. I lost control for about five minutes and well, yeah. I wouldn't be so upset if tomorrow wasn't a picture day, but oh well. I know I'm not perfect even though I hate to admit it. And I didn't run yesterday, nor today. Work has just been kicking my ass, and that is not an excuse. Oh, and I also had a coffee energy drink this morning, because I desperately needed it... it was about 200 calories but I burned that in probably an hour. Breakfast and lunch were normal, and I'm gonna skip the dinner on account of cookie madness. And a couple handfuls of almonds, and a handful of craisins. I'm disappointed in myself, but it is what it is. Impossible is nothing, right? I WILL be perfect tomorrow, and have some amazing pictures to display, hopefully. Hope the rest of you can keep the fat person locked away when it counts. I learned my lesson, don't let it break you.

Week 5: Kickin' Ass and Takin' Names

This week has started off so much better. The weekend was obviously depressing, but it was a very nice service and many people showed up, it was nice to reminisce with old friends. I also got to see some (other) old friends over the weekend, and it was so relaxing and chill. Really got me ready for the week. I was not perfect over the weekend... but I tried to fast for two days and since it was my first time, slips were more than I would have liked. Had a beer, ate a steak sandwich... but refrained from all fast food and liquor... and I got a run in last night. Today also went well, I'm entering my 5th week now of basically eating the same thing, every day, all the time, at the same time. The reward is nothing short of spectacular. My energy level is through the roof... I'm outworking everyone I work with, and Mike even said tonight that I look so much better than when we first started. And I feel great too, despite all the shit that has been going down in my personal life... but it comes in waves so I'm ready for this next chapter.

I don't really like to make excuses, but I didn't run tonight. Mike didn't get home until 9 so we didn't get done lifting till 12, and I had to get food after, and I pulled 875 feet of cable underground by hand today at work. And dig holes. It was a pretty intense 24 hours to say the very least. However, those new running shoes of mine, make everything ridiculously easier to do. My old shoes have holes in them, and any other time, I'm wearing steel toed boots... so my feet are much more agreeable as of late. I will run tomorrow, and this week will be even better than last (which on the diet/exercise part of my life, was great). I'm fully expecting to be below 200 this week when I check up on Thursday, but if not I won't beat myself up about it... the results are in the mirror. And congrats to Steve on his first year living a healthier life, it is a wonderful success story, and everyone should check it out.

So here is to a better week of getting stronger and every day making myself a better person. Good luck to all of you.

It just keeps getting better and better.

In other news, my best friends dad died last night... heart attack. I'll be gone for the weekend. What a shit week.

On the bright side, its been a great week for exercise and food. I'm up to running two miles every night, except for tonight for the obvious reasons. I'll get back to it tomorrow and Sunday whenever I find the time. Weighed myself after work today, I'm 203.5 so not bad, gonna push for 4 pounds by Sunday, and I want to be under 200 by Wednesday of next week. That will be my picture post day, so hopefully there will be a good improvement to see. It's starting to seem like 180 by the end of September might be just out of my reach, especially with the weight training and the muscle gain, but who knows? If I do enough cardio, I just might make it.

My brain is frying

Today has been up and down. Eating went well, the only thing that really changed was that I substituted my turkey sandwich for a corner deli sandwich on the other side of town, the greatest sandwiches ever made, if I do say so. There was a little more turkey, and non-fat cheese, but nothing to really fret over I suppose. Work was tough enough, good a good amount of shoveling and lifting stuff repeatedly, so it was at least a small workout spread throughout the day. I've officially gone 3 days without smoking, which for me is huge... and I no longer have the desire.

After work today, I took a small nap and then headed over to Mikes, only to discover he was not there. His sister let me in and I worked out anyways, he got home later, apparently he got caught up at his internship. So working out alone = not so fun, especially when your in a basement, not a gym. Gets lonely. I was looking in the mirror too, and maybe its just me, but what the hell is up with my love handles. I mean, I understand that its literally the last place fat will disappear from, but COME ON. I'm 6'4... and I weighed myself today after work: 204.5... probably more like 204-203 if I were to weigh myself in the morning. Seriously, my love handles just stick out there, as if totally unaware that I've lost 35 something pounds in the past 2 months. Given, they have disintegrated a little bit, but I feel like I'll have to lose another 30 pounds until the "V" shape is even visible. FUCKING ANNOYING AND DISAPPOINTING. I see people that weight more that me, are several inches shorter, don't workout, run, eat right... or ANYTHING... and they don't have the bodacious bulge on their sides. I'm going to war with this shit, I don't care what it takes, I'm getting rid of them, no matter what. Just pisses me off.

Ok, so... I finish working out, come home... and the first thing my dad says to me is "How can you stay up so late and still do all the things you do? Your really going to wear yourself down to a breaking point sooner or later, your not doing things the right way."

I just walked out of the room before I could say anything stupid. My blood is boiling. I understand that he might be concerned for my well being, but the much more obvious and realistic reason is because he is afraid of my success. My dad is a pretty big dude, and about 7 months ago he lost a bunch of weight, worked out all the time, and then just gave up and gained it all back. It really tore him up, and I know he is upset with himself, but he dosen't have to fucking stomp on me in order to make himself feel better. He didn't even try to hide his condecending tone and "talk down to others" voice. The right way is a way that WORKS FOR YOU. But this dosen't just go for my dad, I think a lot of people get pissed off when other people succed, especially where they haven't. Or, if they have, you'll often notice on most of these blogs people will say "Congrats (so and so), you know, I'm six months in, I've lost 513 pounds, I workout 8 hours a day, and here is a list of my dietary supplements, grocery, and a rough draft of the novel I'm working on to share my successes!"

I'm just as guilty of this, because I follow the same rules that everyone else does, and I care more about myself than I do most anything else. But I don't tell people their success is bullshit, or that they are doing something wrong and then not offer up any solution or alternative in a nice, formal way, or take away from their success by implating my own in the little comment box thing.

So yeah, I'm pissed off. Pissed off that I've recieved almost no support in any of this, both here and in the "real" world. I'm not talking about you Steve, your a stand up guy with a great heart and have been a world of motivation and support. You too Tricia. My mom has been great about everything as well. But, I just feel alone in most of this, and if that's the way its going to be, I'm cool with it, but sure as fuck makes everything harder. I know about 100% of you don't agree with what I'm doing or how I'm doing it, but I wouldn't recieve condecending comments or hate mail if people wern't afraid that WHAT I DO MIGHT BE DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU DO, AND MY WAY WORKS. So, instead of putting people down and sitting on your high horse of self-satifacting, misery-spewing bullshit, get up and do something about your own problems, and prove to everyone just how right you are. Here, I'll start: Time to run, peace.

Before/After 10 day pictures, #2

All right! So I know it's the 7th and I said I would post before/after pics yesterday, but I was just so busy and could not find the time. But I do have the pictures, and here they are! Remember, these are pictures with a ten day difference as of yesterday, July 6th.







June 26th

June 26th

July 6th

July 6th


So obviously this time around not a huge difference, though I do see some small improvements. I think my muscle is beginning to show a little more, which is plenty exciting enough for me. Overall I would say a pretty successful before/after session. I'm certainly satisfied. Haven't weighed myself today or anything, I'll do that tomorrow morning, and finally be completely up to date. Only 49 more days left in my Missouri 60 challenge! I'm determined to win so hard. Anyways, have to go work out alone tonight, Mike is sick. Have a good night everyone.


"Some people listen to themselves, rather than listen to what others say. These people don't come along very often, but when they do... they remind us. That once you set out on a path, even though critics may doubt you, it is ok to believe that there is no CAN'T, WON'T, or IMPOSSIBLE...... and they remind us that it is ok to believe.........

Impossible is nothing."

What a day...

Ok, so I have to work in like 5 hours, so those pictures will be going up tomorrow along with a nice long post. I've told myself this is going to be my most impressive week so far, and so far it is going well... I have a lot of pent up anger to burn on exercise. Problem is, it takes up most of my day, as you can see. So, I'm going to the sack so I don't fall asleep on the job. Good luck tomorrow everyone!

Deep breaths...

Feeling much better now, getting some rest helped. I've done a lot of thinking today, and its more important for me to focus on my goals than anything else right now. I can't let people get me down. I'm going to make this a great week, and come back with positive results, all while stepping closer and closer to my goals. Weighed myself this morning, 207. That's 33 pounds in less than 3 months. My next goal is 205, hopefully sometime later this week. I will be posting 10 day before/after pictures tomorrow, so stay tuned.

My hate is justified.

I know that I'm not much of a people person, not the best writer, and hard to get along with at times. It makes blogging hard, and its even harder to write how I'm actually feeling. I figure that by concealing myself in some way, I wouldn't be forced into allowing my emotions dictate the nature of my thoughts. Tonight, I was reminded why. My life has been filled with many people, great friends, and honest, deep loves... though every close relationship I've ever had with someone has ended in ruin. I have friends, but nobody I can call in a moment of need. My relationships with people are arbitrary, false in many ways... and it works because I rarely get hurt. The sadness of this reality is knowing that I wasn't always this way, at one point I had many close friends, a girl I was deeply in love with, and she loved me just this same. Tonight, I was hurt. Maybe it was my weight, or my self-disappointment, but over time those relationships began to disappear. I found myself lonelier and lonelier, to the point I began to wonder if I would die alone one day. There was one person that kept me going, gave me hope in all those times of need. She was my best friend, she knew everything about me. She saw me at my worst, my best, and all the in-between. We were together, in love, for three years. My love for her never faded. Tonight I discovered she has for some time been lying to me, and has been with someone else for weeks, behind my back. My heart has been broken, again... because I trusted someone. Someone I thought I would always love, and always be able to trust. My last connection with someone on a deep emotional level has been ripped away, and sitting alone here in this big, dark house... it is a terrifying low point in my life. I feel completely empty, my mind fills with the thoughts of her and him, together, enjoying the life I wanted her and I to have. A life we used to have.

This begs to destroy everything I have been working toward, all of my progress hangs with my slivers of rational thought. Something this powerful does have the capacity to destroy me... because I have nowhere else to go. Besides my family, I truly have no one I can turn to in this world. I have to rely on myself, my own strengths. A lot of people think I'm crazy when I tell them how hard I work to achieve my goals, others think I am destroying my body by limiting and exerting it so much. Many people don't understand my motivations because they have never had to rely solely on themselves, in every aspect. If I fail to achieve what it is I set out to do, it will be the last straw. It will destroy me. I might not be obese to the point my life is physically in danger, but my spiritual and emotional life is. You can take from that what you like, and I really don't give a shit whether or not you approve. My point is, so many people are ungrateful for the people and support in their lives, in struggles, in accomplishments. If you have that support, and it brings you peace in times of chaos, or solace in times of unrest, or comfort in times of need, do something to ensure that those people never fade from your life. Thank them, show the gratitude that should be enveloping your every thought. Despite your personal struggles whether they be weight or looks or work or school, remember the people that keep you going day by day, and love them deeply.

I, on the other hand, will make this a weapon. I will use this pure, unadulterated hate to drive myself. I will fight with resentment and contempt for all the utter failures that have become marking points in my life. I will carry on with the irreversible anger caused by my childish attempts to trust and love ANYTHING but myself. I will never give another person the ability to hurt or change me. The world is a despicable, angry, fucked up place, and I see no happiness in it. So I will make my own. And I will not fail. And nobody is going to stop me.

Happy fucking 4th of July. Hope your day was just peachy.

I Struggle

I struggle, because sometimes, willpower is not enough. Determination is not enough, neither is persistence, or even promises of a better life. When you kick your ass consistently, eat right, remain mentally in tune with your goals, and then get bashed in the face with a brick of weight-loss reality, it brings you teetering to an edge. I've gone through this more times than I care to think about, probably because I hold my goals up to such a high level. I see other people do this as well, and it is scary to see them struggle to maintain any sort of consistency with such weighted shoulders. I once heard that trying to subdue an eating disorder is like trying to quit Heroin, except much worse, as you need to have at least some food every day, whereas with drugs, they are not necessary. In a lot of ways I believe this is factual, most of us use food to escape something, and becoming disappointed in ourselves because of ill-fated goals creates a near-inescapable snowball process. The snowball is manageable to a certain point, but as it grows larger it becomes harder and harder to control. Sometimes, when you feel as if your doing everything right but not seeing results, it is either because your body is readjusting and becoming a more efficient machine, or your diluting the facts of your own accomplishments/failures. I struggle to be aware of this, to constantly ask myself whether or not I'm being honest of my accomplishments. I struggle to avoid excuses, to motivate myself, to abstain from delicious, succulent past-times that I once so temporarily enjoyed. I am not perfect, and neither is anyone else. There are two things that I know are fact:

1. Numbers don't lie
2. When buying toilet paper, you get what you pay for

Point is, if you write down every single thing that you do, monitor (closely) what you eat, and remain in a reasonable-for-your-body deficit every single day, the numbers won't lie... but there are particular X factors that occur within your body that you will NEVER understand as well as your body does, and that is why expectations do not always see consistency or even time-allotted accomplishments. I struggle to remember this whenever all seems lost and in vain.


But I will not give up. I will adapt. I will allow my body to change, find a niche, and stay there as long as my body wants to stay, and when it is ready to change once again, I will struggle to remember exactly how I feel right now, ready to change with it.

Wednesday's are just so much FUN.

Dude, my shoulders are torn to high heaven. So are my abs. At least it was a nice day today, it made the three hours of shoveling dirt almost bearable. After work I went to work out and we had to haul ass, my lifting buddy had somewhere to be at 7, so we did our two hour day in about an hour and a half, and we started earlier. And his sister was baking cookies upstairs... it wafted slowly down into the man den, coaxing us upstairs. Mike ate like 7, and I abstained. That kid can eat anything, and never gain a pound. Fucking bastard. So my parents are gone for the rest of the week, and the house is silent. I love it. Gives me time to concentrate on stuffs and no more pressure to eat my moms amazing home cooking. You've no idea how hard it is to come home from college, after eating nothing but ramen noodles and soup for the last two weeks of school, during finals. My mother is evil, I know it.

On the plus side, I'm always busy, which is great, because it gives me less time to think about terrible foods, and I exercise when I'm busy. I really want to pull of a show-stopper for the Missouri 60... this is my 5th day in. OH YAY ONLY 55 MORE TO GO... I'd sure like to be at most of my goals on a consistent basis by then. I'm also excited to see the before and after photos. I'm gonna post another before/after pic on Monday, just to see where ten days has gotten me. Taking pictures is like, the greatest thing you could ever do if your trying to lose weight and get in shape. The subtle differences that occur over a week really begin to show when you look at them from one side to the other, and whenever your feeling down or the scale is being gay or whatever, you can just go back and look at the progress. Works great for me, anyways. Well, I'm out. Time for some oven roasted chicken.. mmm.

Tired, tired. I'm tired.

Gah no time to blog. Back to work, at gym after... by the time I get home, I'm completely fried. Everything is back on track though, haven't missed or screwed up anything yet. I am having a really hard time motivating myself to do cardio, mostly because I forgot the charger for my Zune up at school, and it's so hard to run, let alone without music. So my parents are going out of town for a week, which should be nice, having the house to myself and no parents trying to either stuff food down my throat or get on my nerves. I can only take my family in small doses, it will probably be good for all of us. This weekend is, of course, July 4th, and drinking will probably be an issue I will have to face. Also, hamburgers and hot dogs. But, getting through ym vacation makes me feel like it is entirely feasable, and in fact, realistic. But, I have no energy, I'm going to bed. Sorry for such a boring post, have a really long day tomorrow. Good luck with the rest of the week everyone.

10 Day Before/After and Missouri 60 Photos

June 16th Front

June 16th Side

June 26th Front

June 26th Side




So I finally found my camera chord. I have been taking pictures every day, but I think I will do these before/after on ten day increments. My perspectives in these aren't the same because I was on vacation and it was difficult to find a place to put the camera to mimic the angles at home, but I tried. The next batch should be much more accurate. God, my posture has improved.

Forgot to mention, I will be using the June 26th photos for The Anti-Jared's Missouri 60 Challenge. So, there they are everyone. I can't wait to see the results 58 days from now!

Day 6-7: Hilton Head Challenge, Complete. Mission Accompished.

MMM...KAY

All right, so Friday was great. I missed posting because I passed out on the couch whilst watching Die Hard 2. Then we drove all day yesterday, during which time my eating was also perfect. I would have to say that of the entire vacation, Friday was probably the worst nutrition wise because for lunch I had half a Turkey sub.... on white bread. It was delicious.... but by eating that sugar I basically told my body I didn't want to burn fat for the next two hours... which was a bit disappointing. I did go on a two hour kayaking tour that morning though, and it kicked my ass. Probably because I did arms on Thursday, but I made it. Beautiful scenery. And then my parents and I went to Hudson's for dinner. I don't know if any of you have ever been to Hilton Head, but if you have, you've probably been to Hudson's. The food is amazing, the drinks are flowing, and they have literally, hands down, the world's greatest Hush Puppies. I actually think they have won several U.S. titles for them. I mean, they are delicious. Out of this world, amazing, and they come free with dinner. Like rolls. And... I didn't eat one of them. And for dinner I had Stuffed Shrimp (crabmeat), brown rice, veggies. I had two of the shrimp, half the rice, and half the veggies. It was the most tempting night I had the entire vacation. And then, I went and worked out for two and a half hours afterward. Now, according to the scales at HH, I lost something like 4 pounds while I was on vacation, but according to the scale at home, it's reading a loss of 8.5 pounds from last Friday. Two things... I haven't been keeping track on a consistent basis or scale, and I weighed myself at night a week ago, and then this morning. I'd say there is something like a 2-3 pound difference, so I'm going to weigh myself tonight. At least I came back from vacation better than I started, so in my book, mission accomplished. And I rpomise, as soon as I find that retarted cord, I will post pictures here. Thanks for reading everyone. Good luck this upcoming week.

Day 5: Hilton Head Challenge, Complete.

Ah sorry for the late post. Yesterday was another great day for me nutrition wise, and decent exercise wise as well. The day started off with a trip to the beach, where I laid out, trying to even up my other half, for about an hour. I played Boche Ball with the rent's, and then we went to the bar for some broiled shrimp buckets. I had six largish shrimp, with cocktail sauce, and called this lunch. At around 3, I came home and chiled for awhile, which eventually turned into a nap. For some reason I just had no energy yesterday, probably a combination of sun and not getting quite enough calories. I woke up around &:30 and headed over to they gym, and my workout was ok. I got 20 minutes of ellpitical at about 2 miles, and then proceeded to do arms. At the time, I felt like I was working my arms pretty hard, but today there isn't too much of a burn. I know the weight was heavy enough because by the 4th set of each exercise, I was struggling. TOday I woke up and there dosen't seem to be much muscle soreness, so I don't know what's up. Anyways, I came home and fixed myself a chicken breast with a genrous side of mixed veggies, which was stupendous. And then I couldn't fall asleep for like 4 hours, despite my lack of energy. It was a prety downtime kinda day, and I really didn't have any energy for the entire duration, but today I am feelig much better. (Went Kyacking for two hours this morning, it was stupendous and invigorating.) However, I would like to adress something in this post that I have discovered about myself, something I find to be very disturbing and frustrating.

I'm the "all or nothing type", and I like things done fast. I'm visula, I want to see the results, I want to know that what I'm doing is the right thing. Without having taken daily pictures, there is no telling whether or not I would be able to keep up my pace of progress. It's just, I know in the back of my head, this isn't a one week, two week, on month, 6 month or even yearly venture... its a lifestyle change. Sure, I have harder days than others, but my life is good, I'm improving, but my desire to see these "instant results" is monopolizing my thought process. When I look in the mirror, sure I see little changes here and there, but it feels like for all the effort I put in, I should be on the cover of a bodybuilding magazine. I know it's ridiculous to even have those thoughts because I know that is not how things work in this department. But, something inside of me is gets furious about it, and then I start to feel my motivations slip away. I have to constantly remind myself of the reality in this situation, and it helps me move forward, but I'm so afraid of one day just completely snapping because of the "what's the point" attitude. It's. Just. GAH! I wish I was a more patient person, I wish I could eliminate those thoughts from my mind. I wish I could focus more on my past progress, and use that as a driving tool. I know most people go through this thought process, especially in the beginning. I just wish it wasn't a DAILY thing. It's exhausting. So yeah, that's my rant. Time to go make myself that lunch, Kyaking kicked my arse this morning. Good luck to everyone today!

Day 4: Hilton Head Challenge, Complete

Man, I was so tired last night. I don't know why really, maybe everything just caught up with me finally. I slept about 8 hours, then took a 3 hour nap. I had lunch around 1, same thing as always, and then walked about a mile to the store to buy some diet soda. I didn't really do much other than that, it was kind of a boring day. My parents went out to dinner to the best restaurant on the island, so needless to say I chose not to go with them. Instead, I went to the gym around 7 and got started on my supa long workout. Because I didn't play any basketball today, I ran for 10 minutes on the treadmill and then 15 minutes on the elliptical. Then it was on to abs, and yesterday was shoulders. It was kind of a depressing workout because it was REALLY hard while I was doing it, but today I hardly feel any burn. Makes me feel like I wasted my time, even though I know that is not the case. My abs hurt, though. So tomorrow, my mom and I want to go kyaking, problem is tonight I have arms. So... I either have to switch and do back tonight, or do arms tonight and suck it up if we do go kyaking. I guess I'll just have to wait for my mom to make a decision. Problem is, she can't make decisions. So0o0 anyways, that's about all I got for yesterday... I think the sunburn is healed enough, I will go down to the beach today. My mom bought Boche Ball, so I will probably make an afternoon out of that. Thanks for reading, and good luck with your goals today!

Day 3: Hilton Head Challenge, Complete

Ah, another day here in South Carolina, and another victory for me. Today was great, though physically and mentally the most demanding thus far. The fatass inside of me tried to escape, but I prevailed. Woke up at about 6 this morning, and went deep sea fishing with the whole family and Captain Jim (whom we've gone out with every year). It was a great run... I of course caught the largest creature of the deep, a 6 foot wide, 6 foot long stingray. Let me tell you, besides the tuna I caught back when I was thirteen, this monster gave me the hardest fight of my life. We had to pull up the anchor and trail the fish because it pulled off about 500 feet of line on top of what was already out, and the coolest thing about that is there is nothing you can do while the fish is running. It took me about 25 minutes to reel the son-of-a-bitch in, and but I finally did it. Man, after doing chest and abs last night, my upper body was on fire at the end of that struggle. As soon as I find a chord for my camera, I'll post a picture sometime in the near future. It was too large (and dangerous) to fully bring into the boat, so unfortunately I did not get to hold it while a picture was taken, but hey, we got it about halfway out of the water, and some pretty nice pics. My dad came in second with a 4 foot blacktip shark, weighing in somewhere around 60-70 pounds, but we had to throw it back for legal reasons. But, everyone in my family did catch something, so it was a good morning to say the least. I was exhausted when we got back to the condo, so I took about a 4 hour nap and consequently missed lunch, although I did have two eggs and some cheese for breakfast. After I woke up, I headed down to the basketball court and got about 25 minutes of shooting hoops in, again just enough to work up a sweat before dinner, to help my metabolism bypass the fat storage. We went to the salty dog cafe, and I put our name in while at the same time flirting with the incredibly cute hostess. She said it would probably take two and a half hours, but due to my wit and ridiculous charm, we were seated within 20 minutes. The weight loss and lifting might have helped as well :)

So for dinner, I sported the chef's special, a daily catch of grilled Grouper, brown rice, and mixed vegetables. I ate half of everything on my plate, and opted to just leave the rest as I have plenty of food here at home. I think that will be the new rule: only eat half of what they bring me at restaurants. It seems to be working pretty well, and hit helkps me practice protion control. Anyways, we came home afterward and I once again headed out to the gym, and tonight was mentally the toughest. It was just one of those night when I really didn't want to do anything. I ran for 20 minutes, roughly 2 miles, and then did a full leg workout. It took about a hour and a half to finish everything, but it seemed like 3. But, I got everything done, which is important. I hope to have a little soreness in my legs tomorrow, I hate working out and then feeling fine the next day.... I mostly had to use machines for my routine tonight as they do no have a barbell, and I'm worried it won't have benefited me as much. Only time will tell. I had another great day, positives on both the nutrition and working out, so I can't complain. Tomorrow is going to be tough, I've got shoulders, abs, and cardio.... meaning it will probably be the longest night thus far. But, I'm going to do it. Like I said, I will not fail. Hope everyone had a great day today, and good luck with the days to come!





(10 hours later) P.S

I just wanted to say, I'm pretty pissed off with my genetics. I'm like super tall, and all my weight sits on my stomach. Like.... ALL of it. A little bit on my chin, but that's mostly gone now. I mean, I read a lot of blogs and I see a lot of pictures... and its really frustrating to see pople who looked SO much better physically when they weighed the same as I do now. I have a decent amount of muscle mass and I do a good amount of cardio, and I eat right, but all my fat just sits there. I remember 3 years ago when I weighed 190, I STILL had fat sitting on my love handles. It just pisses me of that I got these crap genetics. I mean, I'm probably he only 6'4 person who could weigh 190 and still have fat hanging off me nearly shoulder width apart. I don't know what I can do to fix this problem... because most people I see don't have it at my weight currently, let alone 190-185 (my eventual goal). Anyways, when I get home and have the opportunity to show you the last two weeks of progress, you'll see what I'm talking about. I have slimmed down, but nowhere near looking like I want to. I know you can't core train fat away in certain areas, basically the only thing I can do is keep up the nutrition and work my abs like crazy. I'm just frustrated... I know this is only my tenth offical day and I should be proud, (which I am), but long term seems like such a distant venture. 300 Days from now? 600? Man, even a month seems eons away. Maybe its because I'm on vacation, everything moves slower out here, but just worke up in a frustrated mood. I'll feel better after my insanely long workout tonight, hopefully.

Day 2: Hilton Head Challenge, Complete

Oh man, what a day. I can hardly type. I can hardly focus on the screen. I'm barely awake. Today was intense. I couldn't fall asleep last night, as I was up talking to some great people and also, was just wide awake. Also, I had taken a nap earlier that morning. Anywho, I finally fell asleep around 4:30 am, and woke up around 11. I didn't eat breakfast because honestly, I forgot, and by the time I remembered, it was lunchtime. So I went down to the basketball courts and shot some hoops for about 20 minutes, just enough to work up a sweat and get the ol' heart-rate going. I came back to the condo around 12:30 and fixed my standard lunch: turkey sandwich, two reduced fat cheese sticks, and a handful of pretzles. Oddly enough, it really filled me up. Then I headed down to the beach with the rent's, we sat out for about 3 hours and although I applied gratuitious amounts of sunscreen, I look like a tomato on one side of my body right now. Tomorow I'll have to lay on my stomach for awhile, just to even things up. And boy, does going to the beach make you humble... there are so many perfect people walking around, its like watching an episode of Laguna Beach or something. Oddly depressing but stranger still, nice to know that one day I will be one of those Calvin Klein models walking around in the little world of physical near-perfection. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of people out there much worse off than me, but it was still a little unnerving to take off my shirt, though my progress visually I think is great. It was a nice dose of perspective. Anywho, we ame back to the condo around 5 and I headed off for another round of basketball... probably played for 30 minutes that time round. Then my parents went out o dinner and I opted to stay home, during which time I went to the gym. Today was chest and abs, and I got a solid hour and a half of lifting in as well. Not bad for no music, doing it by myself. They had no bar for bench, so I did freeweights, which I discovered are INSANELY MORE DIFFICULT than traditional bench press, incline, and flys. I was planning on doing some pushups afterwards, which I tried to do, but I couldn't even hold myself up. Needless to say, I maxed out the muscles I set out to max, and that is a great feeling. Oh, and since I've been reading so many great tips and articles on all your blogs, I decided to incorperate cadrio into my nightly workouts, beforehand. Tonight was the first night doing both cardio and lifting, I did a sort of variation of HIIT in my head for twenty minutes, and it was the perfect amountof warmup... 2.5 miles on the ski machine at multiple speeds. That will definitely be a part of my weekly workouts from now on, even though my construction job knocks the crap out of me and I will probably have to jog, jumprope o play basketball with Mike once I get home. No pain, no gain... right? But enough about me, its time to make some dinner and CRASH. On the menu: Chicken breast sauteed in olive oil, asian spice, and a bit of garlic powder, topped with a generous pinch of sharp cheddar, and some broccoli on the side. And I counted today, which I consider an average because I didn't change anything. On average I drink about fifteen 12oz bottles of water a day, and maybe a diet coke or two. I've never had a problem with the whole getting enough fluids thing... weird. But yes, anothe perfect day, and one step closer to completing this vacation better than I started. My spirits are high, and I hope your are too. Goodnight everyone, have a great rest of the week!

Day 1: Hilton Head Challenge, Complete

Ah, my first full day at HH is over... and it was a great one. This morning me and the rent's went to the grocery store, from which I was able to stockpile all my food for the week... which is great. After we got back, I walked over to the basketball court and shot some hoops for about 20 minutes... and in the 90 degree, 100% humidity, it was quite strenuous. I came back to the condo, took a nap, and then it was off to dinner for fathers day. We went to the Aqua grill, and despite the many temptations I was able to find something on the menu to fit my requirements. I had 7 grilled shrimp, about half a cup of green beans, and maybe a quarter cup of rice. I only ate about half the rice they gave me, but it's pretty hard to judge the exact amount as I don't often make rice and it it smaller before you cook it. And I had a diet coke/water to drink... which was definitely the hardest par what with my entire family drinking gallons of alcohol all around me. And, I said no to the bread. It was suprisingly a very filling meal... probably because I've been eating such small portions as of late. Then we came home, chillaxed for a bit, and Dad opened his Father's Day gifts... I got him the Die Hard Quadilogy, and he was mucho pleased. Then around 9, I headed over to the gym and did another 30 minutes of elliptical, just to keep pace with what I do during the week. The machine said I burned something like 450 calories over the course of 2.75 miles... but I don't know if that is entirely accurate. I was sweatin', thats for sure. And as this was my second night, I saw the same guy in the gym as last night. Though I can't remember his name, he plans to be there tomorrow too so at least I will have someone to talk to during my workouts this week... which should make things easier. Anyways, tomorrow is chest and abs, and hopefully another perfect day of eating. I sat down and did the math today, and I have to eat roughly 2300 calories or less if I want to weigh 185 pounds by September 24th. It's a pretty big goal (2.7 ppw) but I think with enough effort and focus, especially with my construction job, it is attainable. I will make it. And I'm doing Jared's 60 day missouri challenge, unfortunatly I have no way of uploading the picutes I have taken this past week, but I do have my camera here and will continue to do so until I get home, at which time I will upload every day since the 15th. High point of the day: The guy I met at the gym thought I weighed 190 pounds. YEAH, right. I'm 222 give or take (I weighed myself at night, after I ate) which I know is terrible of me... but still he thought I looked 32 pounds lighter than I actually am. Rock on. Well... time for bed. Good luck this week everyone, make it a great one!

Finally made it.

Well, we finally made it t HH at about 9pm. I kept with my food all day in the car by bringing everything I needed with me, and tomorrow I'm going to the store first thing in the morning to get all my supplies for the week. I'm going to try and avoid eating out with my family as much as possible, but I will go along with them to the restaurants. I will get fish for dinner if I have to. As soon as we got here, I went to the fitness center, which turned out to be really nice. They hav a ton of machines and free-weights, so I should be able to get in most of ym exercising come monday, but I didn't see a bench which means I will have to find some other excercises for chest... most likely pushups and freeweight press. I got in half an hour of cardio tonight, so I'm feeling good about getting at least a little exercise after sitting in the darn car all day. But now, I'm off to bed.. tomorrow is supposed to be a hot one. So tired. Here's to another great week of getting fit! Intensity, focus, drive and commitment. Can' wait.

Great week thus far

WEEK IS OVER! HELLZ YEAH. And I'm leaving for HH tomorrow. I kept with everything this week, nearly perfect minus the glass of rum and diet sprite last night. It's been about 100000 degrees outside every day, and I worked out with Mike every day after work. This might have been close to the hardest (physical) week of my life. Today, I drank 15 glass of water, and I have yet to use the restroom. I'm sore, everywhere, and so tired that it is almost impossible to keep typing. My food intake has been spectacular.. to say the least. If I can keep with it all summer, I'm going to be a new man in just 3 months. I've been taking pictures every day, and somewhere down the line I will post the results. Personally, I don't see too much of a difference but it's only been a handful of days and I'm extremely self-conscious/picky about my physique... so maybe I jest. But now it is time to focus. I will do some cardio tomorrow and Sunday at the resort gym, and when Monday rolls around it will be time to resume my weight lifting, without my workout partner. The mental preparation is key, and I know that I'm going to be ready for it. I will succeed. And I will have to closely monitor my food intake... while trying my absolute best to stick with my normal diet (food which I will be taking with me). By next weeks end, I want to be in the best shape I've been in for the past 8 months. It is an immense undertaking, but based on how hard I pushed myself this week and how great I feel about myself right now, I know it can (and will) be done. Out of curiosity, I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow just to see where I am right now. I wouldn't expect too much of a difference because of the ridiculous amount of weight training, but maybe I'll be surprised. Anyways, its time for freaking sleep. Oh yes, sleep. Thank the gods. I'll try to post while I'm away, keep it real everyone and expect GOOD NEWS.

Hump day can die.

Dude, fuck today. Had to wake up earlier than normal (4:30am) for the shitty ol' Wednesday safety meeting at work, and absolutely NOTHING went right today while we were out on the job. For example, the second job we went to after the first became impossible made the former look like ten cheese conies with no calories (they need to make this). These fuckers at the telephone company want me and my partner to pull cable in a two inch duct almost 400 feet through an entire fucking forest. Seriously... the foilage is so thick you can't see two feet in front of you. So we push the duct and of course, it stops about 4 feet in because about seven sycamore trees as big around as the size of car tires have decided to grow right on top of where the duct is running. So the duct is filled with roots, we can't more around in the forest area enough to even bring a shovel, and even if we could it wouldn't matter because we'd have to chainsaw literally EVERYTHING in a straight line for the entire 400 feet. That's like 4 days work just to clear a fucking path, and then we have to dig through roots and dirt and rock and dead bodies just so we can eventually run a new duct system which will be the end result anyways. And I don't even want to talk about the first job. The good news is, I stuck with my food today and got a great workout in With mike... today was shoulders. I don't know if my arms are still attached honestly. I'll regret it tomorrow, I'm sure... when I take on the Amazon fucking forest. God damn Wednesdays.

I will not fail.

Ok so, here's the rundown. This summer is the beginning of the rest of my life. I know it sounds corny, but I'm determined like I never have been.... it almost feels divine, and for the first time EVER, it feels right. So, I'm home for the summer and working construction. I'm hobo crew, shoveling, digging, pulling, lifting, and everything in-between. In the wonderful Ohio humidity, no less. AND IM HAPPY! I get so much exercise during the day, it's almost sick. Today (I counted) in total I drank one and a half gallons of water and one diet soda over a 7 hour period, and never went to the restroom. I'm pretty stoked about that, because it means I'm busting my ass and burning, sweating, and doin so many good things for my heart and body all at once. I feel better, and I'm getting a tan. Now, there are a few downsides to working out in the city doing construction, and the most important one I have to be careful of is food, because most construction workers live out of gas stations. I have found a solution for this, and so far it has been working: I never carry money with me to work. Instead, I pack myself a predetermined, healthy lunch, and eat a small, nutritious breakfast every morning. The other downside is that I have to be careful, too much shoveling and lifting can overstrain my body, and that would especially suck because I'M NOT DONE YET. After I get home, I change and imediatally go over to my friend Mikes. He has a full gym/weight set in his basement, and every day we do anywhere from 1 and a 1/2-2 and a 1/2 hours of lifting. We do a different muscle group every day, and about 5-7 different exercises in total. We also do about 4 ab workouts every other day. On fridays we require ourselves to run, and we leave the option open to run on another day, depending on our schedules.... but the other day will probably just be sprints if we do them at all. I get anough cardio during the day as it is. Dosen't sound so corny now, does it? I eat a lean protien rich dinner with tons of veggies afterwards, and try to get myself into bed so I can get at LEAST 7 hours of sleep every night. The summer has just begun, but I have found a way to control my food urges, balance my intakes, and revive my healthy eating style all while fitting it into a ridiculous exercise regime that is convienent to my schedule and lifestlye. If I fail to achieve my goals this summer, I'm simply a lost cause, and there is no hope for me. Well, I will not fail, because I'm having fun, working hard, and eating right. I have vacation next week, going to SC Hilton Head, and its going to be the toughest challenge I have faced so far. Luckily, they have a gym at the resort, and Plenty of running space on the beach. I will get my exercise, but it is food I most worrry about (namely all the amazing resturants.) This week is going to be total mental preparation, a test of my resolve. I may post before I go, but if I don't, await my results for anyone reading. If I fail, lay into me and ask me why, force me to face the music. I leave this as a contingency plan, but I will not fail. I will not fail. I will not fail. Thank you to all who do check in from time to time, I'm sorry I'm not a great blogger, but I will try harder. Time for dinner and bed! Good luck to EVERYONE out there dealing with their personal challenges, you have my support. In peace, later.