My brain is frying

Today has been up and down. Eating went well, the only thing that really changed was that I substituted my turkey sandwich for a corner deli sandwich on the other side of town, the greatest sandwiches ever made, if I do say so. There was a little more turkey, and non-fat cheese, but nothing to really fret over I suppose. Work was tough enough, good a good amount of shoveling and lifting stuff repeatedly, so it was at least a small workout spread throughout the day. I've officially gone 3 days without smoking, which for me is huge... and I no longer have the desire.

After work today, I took a small nap and then headed over to Mikes, only to discover he was not there. His sister let me in and I worked out anyways, he got home later, apparently he got caught up at his internship. So working out alone = not so fun, especially when your in a basement, not a gym. Gets lonely. I was looking in the mirror too, and maybe its just me, but what the hell is up with my love handles. I mean, I understand that its literally the last place fat will disappear from, but COME ON. I'm 6'4... and I weighed myself today after work: 204.5... probably more like 204-203 if I were to weigh myself in the morning. Seriously, my love handles just stick out there, as if totally unaware that I've lost 35 something pounds in the past 2 months. Given, they have disintegrated a little bit, but I feel like I'll have to lose another 30 pounds until the "V" shape is even visible. FUCKING ANNOYING AND DISAPPOINTING. I see people that weight more that me, are several inches shorter, don't workout, run, eat right... or ANYTHING... and they don't have the bodacious bulge on their sides. I'm going to war with this shit, I don't care what it takes, I'm getting rid of them, no matter what. Just pisses me off.

Ok, so... I finish working out, come home... and the first thing my dad says to me is "How can you stay up so late and still do all the things you do? Your really going to wear yourself down to a breaking point sooner or later, your not doing things the right way."

I just walked out of the room before I could say anything stupid. My blood is boiling. I understand that he might be concerned for my well being, but the much more obvious and realistic reason is because he is afraid of my success. My dad is a pretty big dude, and about 7 months ago he lost a bunch of weight, worked out all the time, and then just gave up and gained it all back. It really tore him up, and I know he is upset with himself, but he dosen't have to fucking stomp on me in order to make himself feel better. He didn't even try to hide his condecending tone and "talk down to others" voice. The right way is a way that WORKS FOR YOU. But this dosen't just go for my dad, I think a lot of people get pissed off when other people succed, especially where they haven't. Or, if they have, you'll often notice on most of these blogs people will say "Congrats (so and so), you know, I'm six months in, I've lost 513 pounds, I workout 8 hours a day, and here is a list of my dietary supplements, grocery, and a rough draft of the novel I'm working on to share my successes!"

I'm just as guilty of this, because I follow the same rules that everyone else does, and I care more about myself than I do most anything else. But I don't tell people their success is bullshit, or that they are doing something wrong and then not offer up any solution or alternative in a nice, formal way, or take away from their success by implating my own in the little comment box thing.

So yeah, I'm pissed off. Pissed off that I've recieved almost no support in any of this, both here and in the "real" world. I'm not talking about you Steve, your a stand up guy with a great heart and have been a world of motivation and support. You too Tricia. My mom has been great about everything as well. But, I just feel alone in most of this, and if that's the way its going to be, I'm cool with it, but sure as fuck makes everything harder. I know about 100% of you don't agree with what I'm doing or how I'm doing it, but I wouldn't recieve condecending comments or hate mail if people wern't afraid that WHAT I DO MIGHT BE DIFFERENT FROM WHAT YOU DO, AND MY WAY WORKS. So, instead of putting people down and sitting on your high horse of self-satifacting, misery-spewing bullshit, get up and do something about your own problems, and prove to everyone just how right you are. Here, I'll start: Time to run, peace.