My hate is justified.

I know that I'm not much of a people person, not the best writer, and hard to get along with at times. It makes blogging hard, and its even harder to write how I'm actually feeling. I figure that by concealing myself in some way, I wouldn't be forced into allowing my emotions dictate the nature of my thoughts. Tonight, I was reminded why. My life has been filled with many people, great friends, and honest, deep loves... though every close relationship I've ever had with someone has ended in ruin. I have friends, but nobody I can call in a moment of need. My relationships with people are arbitrary, false in many ways... and it works because I rarely get hurt. The sadness of this reality is knowing that I wasn't always this way, at one point I had many close friends, a girl I was deeply in love with, and she loved me just this same. Tonight, I was hurt. Maybe it was my weight, or my self-disappointment, but over time those relationships began to disappear. I found myself lonelier and lonelier, to the point I began to wonder if I would die alone one day. There was one person that kept me going, gave me hope in all those times of need. She was my best friend, she knew everything about me. She saw me at my worst, my best, and all the in-between. We were together, in love, for three years. My love for her never faded. Tonight I discovered she has for some time been lying to me, and has been with someone else for weeks, behind my back. My heart has been broken, again... because I trusted someone. Someone I thought I would always love, and always be able to trust. My last connection with someone on a deep emotional level has been ripped away, and sitting alone here in this big, dark house... it is a terrifying low point in my life. I feel completely empty, my mind fills with the thoughts of her and him, together, enjoying the life I wanted her and I to have. A life we used to have.

This begs to destroy everything I have been working toward, all of my progress hangs with my slivers of rational thought. Something this powerful does have the capacity to destroy me... because I have nowhere else to go. Besides my family, I truly have no one I can turn to in this world. I have to rely on myself, my own strengths. A lot of people think I'm crazy when I tell them how hard I work to achieve my goals, others think I am destroying my body by limiting and exerting it so much. Many people don't understand my motivations because they have never had to rely solely on themselves, in every aspect. If I fail to achieve what it is I set out to do, it will be the last straw. It will destroy me. I might not be obese to the point my life is physically in danger, but my spiritual and emotional life is. You can take from that what you like, and I really don't give a shit whether or not you approve. My point is, so many people are ungrateful for the people and support in their lives, in struggles, in accomplishments. If you have that support, and it brings you peace in times of chaos, or solace in times of unrest, or comfort in times of need, do something to ensure that those people never fade from your life. Thank them, show the gratitude that should be enveloping your every thought. Despite your personal struggles whether they be weight or looks or work or school, remember the people that keep you going day by day, and love them deeply.

I, on the other hand, will make this a weapon. I will use this pure, unadulterated hate to drive myself. I will fight with resentment and contempt for all the utter failures that have become marking points in my life. I will carry on with the irreversible anger caused by my childish attempts to trust and love ANYTHING but myself. I will never give another person the ability to hurt or change me. The world is a despicable, angry, fucked up place, and I see no happiness in it. So I will make my own. And I will not fail. And nobody is going to stop me.

Happy fucking 4th of July. Hope your day was just peachy.