Weekends, so bittersweet.

I went up to Columbus for the weekend, and lets just say things didn't go so well on the nutrition front. I don't really know what I was thinking, or why I ate the things I did, even though it was not completely terrible. I drank a good amount and with that came the food, but I'm back on track now. I retained a shitload of water, I about threw my scale out the window last night when I checked the damage, and I'd rather not say exactly how much I fucked up yet because it would be inaccurate, I'll get a better reading tomorrow once my body has gotten into the swing of things.

I came to a hard realization this weekend, and I'm almost glad it happened. I'm glad that I went up there this weekend and more or less did what I do during the school year, and saw the damage when I got home. I have realized that my body is not designed to process efficiently, and it will probably never do what I want it to do. Simple fact of the matter is, despite my size, my muscle mass, and the amount of exercise I do, my metabolism is just plain crap. I can not afford to eat and drink like others despite my size, and if I seriously want to transform myself, I'm probably going to have to eat like I do now for the rest of my life. I won't be able to just splurge every once in awhile, or have an extra beer, or eat a cheeseburger now and then. It is probably the first time in my life that I have come to accept that bitter fact, and right now I'm struggling to see it becoming a reality in the long term. My mental toughness is not where it needs to be.

As far as losing weight is concerned, it is just the first step of this journey. Unlike most people, I do not necessarily want to be skinny. In fact, I want to be huge. I want to rip shirts, press ridiculous amounts of weight, sport arms the size of watermelons, and crack walnuts with my pecs. It has always been a dream of mine, one I thought was unattainable until I started lifting regularly, and coming to discover that I can actually keep consistent and enjoy myself as well. The problem right now is that I am trying to lose the excess body fat that hinders me from doing more difficult, highly efficient exercises, as well as sap my energy. Also, I am not able to fully benefit from a bodybuilding diet because the amount of protein and complex carbohydrates should be designed to maintain current body fat percentages and maximize muscle growth. As much as I want to drink creatine and protein shakes, eat half a dozen eggs, two chicken breasts, two bowls of oatmeal, and two turkey sandwiches every day, it is not going to help me lose the excess body fat. That is a diet designed specifically for maintaing and rebuilding, not losing and building. I eat a decent amount of food every day, I always shoot for about 80g of protien, 80f carbs, and somewhere around 2400 calories, but bodybuilding requires much more. I have to tweak my goals a bit, and do some experimenting, but I can not do those things until I reach my desired weight overall, which right now is 180lbs. Once I do reach 180, I think I will take a week or two to determine exactly how much I have to eat (calorie wise) simply to maintain that constant weight, and then subsitute it with bodybuilding style diet high in protiens, viatamins, and aminos at that exact calorie mark. I have been doing a lot of reading and most people who lose weight first do essientially the same thing, so I think my plan is solid. Ideally I would like to weigh about 200lbs, but I want that 20lbs in muscle. So, its going to be a long, tough journey, and it is not going to be easy. I'm scared of the next five years, to be honest, just as much as I look forward to them. Hopefully by the age of 25, I will be where I want to be.

Ok, so I'm rambling... I just had to get all that off my chest. Whew. Have a good week everyone.