Ah, the first week of class...

All right, time to blog. Yeah I know I haven't been up in this much for about a week and a half, but its not because I have been lazy. I just have a crap ton of things going on right now and it has been insane. So basically last week I got everything I needed to get done for school, and then I went job hunting and got really lucky, I have my third interview today with the GM so I will most likely know whether or not I'm hired by tonight... which will be a relief either way. Then of course school was about to start and I was going out with friends celebrating in the only way a college kid can, gratuitous amounts of alcohol. I have to say that despite my indulgences over the past two weeks, my body has responded terrifically. In fact, I actually lost weight and as of right now am sitting around the 178 -180 range, so at least I know I'm doing something right despite all the shenanigans. I think a lot of that has to do with how worried I was about coming back up to school, knowing the temptations would be there... but planning ahead and being conscious of food all the time every day has really helped. I haven't even had a hangover binge, which is a huge accomplishment for me. The only thing I have had trouble with is the working out, with all the sudden changes it has been hard for me to find a niche, so that is the next big obstacle I must overcome. Luckily now everything is settling down and I will have more time to figure things out. I'll def. start on Monday, if not sometime this weekend. Oh, and far as I know still... date on Friday :) I hope that works out because I'm sick of this being lonely, doing my own laundry, living like a complete bachelor thing... even despite the perks. I'll be sure to post back with the news on that battlefield. Oh boy! TIME FOR ANOTHER CLASS! Ugh. Have a good one everyone.

I'm Alive

I'm alive, its just been nuts, I'm sorry for those of you concerned. Everything is fine, job prospect looks good and I'm nearly ready for school to start. Gotta run back to cinci today, might make a longer post out of this tonight, once I get back. Have a good one everybody.

Crazy Week

Hmm... hovering around 185 right now. It's been a crazy week what with me getting ready to go back up to school, probably tonight. I hope to finally get over to mikes and get a good lift in beforehand, then I have dinner with friends down here and about 6 million errands to run. I fell off a little bit, for some reason my craving for salt and carbs has been off the charts. It's not the way I wanted to go back up but I should have expected the craziness to get to me a little bit. No rest, no mercy, no matter what. I'm getting it back together today, food has been great and tomorrow the rest and relaxation should get me ready for the weekend challenges, including the massive beer drinking assosciated with football. I will be no more than 180 by next Thursday, mark my words.... and I will never fall off like I have these past few days ever again. It's depressing but a good reality check... I'm not invincible. Not yet.

BUCKEYE OPENER

Well I am going to have literally no time to post this weekend, so I might as well do it now while I'm getting paid, right?

So this morning I hopped on the ol' scale again and got something I really didn't expect... 179.5

Now, I have no idea how this happened but it seemed like just two weeks ago I was fighting tooth and nail with 190, then all the sudden I'm dropping weight like its no big thing. Which in fact, I am no longer. This is a good and bad thing, as much as losing all this weight has done both for my image and mentality... there is still much left to be done. I have almost zero definition in the midsection... and for some reason I STILL HAVE FREAKIN' LOVE HANDLES. Aggravating. But at least some numbers are going in the right direction and it is getting close time to start seriously focusing on my muscle building... which will mean a change in diet. I feel this is something I will have to ease into as it will obviously be more calories, and I don't want to over do it on my first few attempts. One thing I will have to start thinking about is how to plan my meals entirely different, especially since I will be going back to school soon. If I want to lift and successfully build muscle, I'm going to have to up my protein intake probably 5x what it is now, and I'm going to have to spread that through a day of short, small meals, approaching somewhere in the network of 2000-2200 calories of dense, wholesome food a day. It's going to be a helluva lot more challenging than forcing myself into the gym, thats for sure.

Anyways, I got Red Lobster endlesss shrimp tonight, Buckeye opening day tomorrow, and probably chillin' with my friends up in Columbus on Sunday... then my sisters birthday on Monday. Yeah, busy, and a lot of challenging scenerios nutrition wise. I gotsta go, have a great weekened everyone

Apologetic Wednesdays

I feel I have to apologize. Oftentimes when I get on to make a post, I have an idea rolling around in my head and it tends to turn into mindless bitching with no real thought or purpose. So, I'm sorry for that.

On to the good news... I jumped on the scale this morning and it read 181.5. Now, I don't fool myself, obviously getting on the scale in the morning is guarenteeing that your not actually seeing a true body weight... simply because eating and drinking during the day always adds to the count. But hell, I can't remember a single moment, ever, when I saw a number that low in respect to my weight... so I'll take it. I have no idea how either... last week I all but gorged myself but somehow my body responded positivly. Maybe I actually needed all the food, who knows. Anyways, I don't look the way I want to in the mirror so obviously there is a ton of work left to do, it is just great to finally be past that 190 misery, and hopefully things will start to look more cut as time progresses. Anyways, I have to get back to work. Have a great rest of the week everyone.

The Shitstorm

I have not been sticking to my word lately. It has really bothered me these past couple of days, and I can't get the feeling out of my head. There is nothing worse than being disappointed in yourself... of this I am sure. Summer 09 has been such an insane trip... I can hardly believe it is going to end so soon. I remember looking at myself in the mirror almost three months ago and not being able to convince myself that I was worth anything better than what I had, not capable of any obstacle worth overcoming... but somehow I found a way to get this far. For the first time that I can literally ever remember... this summer I finally felt happy with the person I was. Happy, but not satisfied...though once I reached that point, a lot of my motivation went flying out the window. I feel like I deserve to eat and exercise like a normal person, but if I were normal to begin with... I probably wouldn't be here. Coming to terms with the fact that I am not where I want to be, probably never will be, and having to constantly be aware of that... what a mind job. I walk into a restaurant and see all the angles... I can name the calories in at least half the foods at any fast food joint, exercising is not something I do for endurance or because it feels good after.... I do it so I can live with myself when I look in the mirror the next day.

When I broke my foot, I was completely incapacitated for two days. The depression was overwhelming, only twice have I ever felt that shitty in my life, that being the third, and its already happened once before this summer. I made it through early July, though the pain was not physical. But those two days last week, it was both physical and mental... my whole world had come crashing to the ground, I had no way to prepare myself as I have been for the move to Ohio State. My exercise went to shit, I was laying around feeling sorry for myself, but at the same time trying to avoid all the food that would have temporarily made me feel better. I would have given myself a D+ food-wise and a fail for exercise... but it was an odd excuse that I could not avoid. I thought I was going to be completely immobilized for 6 weeks or better, and if my foot does not heal right... I will need surgery with a two month recovery time. My luck tells me there is probably a surgery in the future. Despite this, after my visit with the doctor and my brand new cast, I was back on my feet (kind of) and able to go back to work to do light duty. I felt great, I ate right for the next few days, and then the weekend hit, all the family came into town, and there was way too much drinking, way too much food. It was the craziest weekend I have had so far this summer, and I had a great time, was able to forgive myself for slipping hard, and was ready for another week of healthy livin.

As the forces of fate love me so, this morning I am contacted by the person responsible for why the entire month of July (and the past two years, for that matter) sucked shit harder than Creed's new single. I won't lie about it, her betrayal is one of the key reasons why I push myself so hard... it is just a never-ending pool of hate from which I dip massive amounts of motivation. I wear the necklace she gave me still, just to remind myself when I look in the mirror. I purposly think about her just to get pissed off whenever I don't want to lift or run, or when eating a gallon of ice cream sounds like my best option. By now, most of you that read know that I'm a person that dwells on hate... and if I have no channel... it grows inward. I think a lot of people avoid hate because they fear the evils and torments that are often assosciated with it.... but I would have to say that both hate for myself and hate for those who have directly fucked up my life are the main reasons why I've lost 50 pounds in something like 3 months. So to say that I was happy with myself for the first time I have ever remembered is a BIG FUCKING DEAL. I found a way to make hate useful, suffice to say. It might be worth noting that when I was younger, I suffered from severe anxiety and depression, so bad that I refused treatment simply because I didn't believe I was worth it. Since then, things have gotten much better and I have found ways to control the depression and most of the anxiety, but my x factor continues to be other people in my life. I was actually told to try blogging by a good friend of mine because he worries that I don't have enough connection with others in my life... and well... I do this now because it feels good to get things out in the open and let people know... but I wouldn't put myself on any blogroll, that's for sure. And I'm OK with that... this is a good place for me reguardless, and there are a few awesome people that I stay pretty regular with... and it is enough.

The point of all this is... a lot of that hate came back when she contacted me today, and I've been so fucked up by my (oot, rib, finger, back, knee and shoulder injuries, (not to mention a bee sting) these past few weeks, I just went completely off the handle when I got her message. It was overwhelming and uncontrollable.... I couldn't even see straight when I finished reading what she had to say. I don't know if its healthy anymore, but I don't know how to deal with all of... this. I'm just completely, totally and utterly out of whack... and I'm starting to blame myself for it. Angry that I'm exhausted, that I don't want to lift. Pissed off that I can't control my emotions around her, and we life across the street from one another. Lonely every moment. Scared that it is my fault, that I'm going to ruin something else too. Depressed that I can't stop feeling like every day is a fucking war against the world. Ashamed for skipping workouts, even if my foot is busted, I can still do upper body while sitting, right? I mean... its a god damned clusterfuck in brain. I just can't get it together. I can't focus. To make matters worst, I'm going into my toughest year yet up at school, and this one is for the marbles.

What the fuck do I have to do? Do I sack up and go to work and continue working out, hoping that I don't need surgery? If I stop working or working out completely, busted foot or not, I'm going to be letting myself and my Dad down, not to mention I'll be about a thousand bucks short going back to school.

Do I not work out, not go to work, and just lay around all day? Every second tempted by gratuitious amounts of delicious food? Will I get even more depressed if I'm not doing anything? What if my foot turns out all right and I feel like I wasted an immense aount of time for nothing? What if I can't find a job while I'm up at school and my money inevitably runs out three months before school ends?


And what about all that completely unpredicable emotional crap? What is best for my spirit? I can't fall down the rabbit hole, but my sanity is dwindling as is.


What would you do?

A sigh of relief

Good news, I went to the orthopedic doctor today and he gave me a solid diagnosis (broken bone in foot) and put me in a walking cast, so I can move around and stuff. He also said I can do anything within my comfort level while in the cast, so that means I can go back to work and do stuff around the office and yard, like clean and weed eating. Also, I should be able to get back to working out... obviously I won't be able to do any cardio or leg exercises, but I will be able to do arms, chest, and some shoulder and back exercises. It should tide me over at least until 6 weeks have passed and I'm hopefully healed. I'm going to take my 10 day picture update tomorrow morning and post it sometime later in the day, so I think I will just switch my ten day over to that point, (the 28th) and just go every ten days from there. I'm in a good mood now, basically because I'm not confined to crutches. I'll just have to make the best of things I guess, and hope that after 6 weeks everything is going well and therefore won't need surgery. Anyways, family is in town, so I'm going to go visit with them. Have a good rest of the week everyone.

Because I'm a terrible person.

Broke my foot. Fuck my life. Today is the last day of Missouri 60, and I don't give a shit. I'm off my feet for at least a month, probably surgery too, then another month off my feet again. Goodbye gym, goodbye treadmill, goodbye construction work. Can't drive, so goodbye looking for another job up at school. I might bitch and moan sometimes, but I just can't fucking stand this anymore. I hold doors open for people, I lend money, I go out of my way, I never talk bad about people, I always do my job, and I try my best. I put my family first, help friends in need. I can't even remember the last time I asked for something with ill-thought. I keep trying, trying, trying to do this for myself, to stick with my plans, to get in shape, to be healthy, happy, and in control of my own physical fate, yet every single time I seem on the brink of achieving this kind of change or control, a wrench gets thrown right into the gear shaft. I do it myself, I don't ask for help, and I hardly make excuses. I am doing my best, and I guess that means the universe has to try its best to fuck you up, so fucking hard, that you just don't give a shit anymore. Well I don't give a shit anymore. I'll still diet and whatev but I can't do any exercise so whatever, I guess its just back to square one. Right before I have to go back to school too. It's so ironic that my biggest fear was going back to school and now I have to put up with being basically a sedentary cripple with a severe addiction to food. So, naturally, I'm just going to blame this one on God and as far as I'm concerned he can go fuck himself. Maybe i'll just start being a dickface asshole and everything will magically get better. I'll start poppin' my collar and drinkin a case of nati every night, then go out to a clup and slobber all over the shanky bitches, then light a dumpster on fire on my way home. Afterward me and my "bros" will get back to the crib, find a baseball bat, and go beat up some homeless guy. You know, something normal for a Monday night, instead of trying to help my neighbor move a couch out of her basement because medic-aid won't cover the cancer bills and consequently she has to move into a smaller placee. Of course, If I hadn't been out being all good neighbor and shit, I wouldn't have lost my grip on the couch and fallen down thirteen stairs and broken my foot. So I guess its my own fucking fault and I should just shut the fuck up.

Back from Columbus

I had a really great weekend. I went up to Columbus and got to see a bunch of my old friends, which was really a stupendous experience. Moreover, I got tons of comments regarding the amount of weight I have lost, especially from people who have not seen me in awhile. It was totally awesome. With that said, I ate and drank way too much, but for some reason I don't feel like I have gained too much. When I left on Friday, I weighed 186.5 after work, and tomorrow I will weigh myself and report in with the wicked details. I also noticed this weekend that it is significantly harder for me to eat nearly as much as I was able to before, so hopefully that will work to my advantage when I eventually go back up to school. This week I want to be as perfect as possible and push myself hard... just to reaffirm how much I have improved both physically and mentally. I want to know where I stand, and I want to decide what the next step will be... because maintaining is not my goal, I want to have a killer body and an iron clad mental toughness. Two more days till the end of the Missouri 60 challenge. I'm excited to see the differences. Anyways, I have a tough week prepared for myself, so it is time to get to bed. Have a great week everyone.

No, really. I'm Alive.

Hey everyone. Sorry it has taken me so long to post anything... like I said before it has been a rough, busy week. Good news though, I have seemingly broken past the 190 mark... the scale has been giving me readings in the 180's for the past couple days, as of right now it sits at 186. I'm happy to have finally seen some progress after the past couple of weeks, even though my eating has been less than perfect. It has been hard, staying with things and not seeing the progress reflect back, but somehow and with divine intervention, my somewhat sub-par efforts (especially on the weekends) have not left me sitting out to dry, ten pounds heavier than I was a month ago. I appear to be on track to easily hit the 180 mark by at least mid September, then again my body tends to do strange things so I don't know if that is a solid statement. Hopefully everything works out for the best. I feel kind of lame with such a short post, but there is not much more to say. I went ahead and skipped the picture but I will post one on the 25th and get everything nice and up to date, and that is all I got people. Good luck with all the endeavors (and shenanigans) this weekend.

I'm alive.

I've been extremely busy this past week, and we did not have internet for about three days as well. This is my first time online in about five days or so. I have my pictures and updates, but I will have to post them later... got things to do. Good luck this week everyone.

Monday thoughts

I need to stop caring so much about the future. I think a lot of people spend too much time worrying about what is going to be happening two or three weeks, a month from now... and in the process lose sight of what is right in front of them. The little in-between moments get caught up in preoccupation, and then are lost just as quickly as they happened. Lately, I've been worried about going back up to school and having to deal with a completely different lifestyle, one that makes me careless and apathetic at times. Laziness is also a problem I face in the near future, and everything I have come to realize as "familiar", especially my eating and exercise habits, will suddenly have a new platform to stand on. I know that the transition is not going to be easy, and honestly I'm afraid of falling off the wagon once I get there. It consumes my every thought, on top of what I have going on now, and the anticipation of difficult classes, finding a job, making money, so on so on. It's an overwhelming animal up there, one I have never before and since have never been able to reign. Even when I go up there on the weekends, I lose sight of the progresses I have made down here.

The one thing I do know is that I will never let myself become the person I was before. It is more important to me than my grades, my friends, money, romance, entertainment, and just about anything else that you can possibly think of. I have one more year of college left and the pressure to succeed is overwhelming, now in all aspects of my life. It is more than I have ever had on my plate before, and though my decision to get by physical life back together is one that I have devoted every aspect of my being to down here, my attention is forced apart up at school. When I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself "do I have what it takes, how far am I willing to go, what am I ready to sacrifice", I get a chilly feeling of emptiness, something that I can't wrap into an answer. Partly because I'm scared to, and also because I don't know if I can have the success I want in all aspects of life. At least, not without making some serious sacrifices. I don't know if I have the capacity to juggle the responsibilities I have placed on myself. It is a clusterfuck in my brain, and the hell if I know how to even sort it out, let alone come up with a solution. It is distracting me, and I don't like it.

Some of you handle so many different things, families, jobs, school, and weight loss/exercise. But as I have come to understand by reading many of your blogs, I do not seem to fit into any niche, I feel like a loner. What do you do when you just can't figure out how to make it all work... do yo sacrifice, do you find a way, or do you just do the best you can and hope everything dosen't go to hell? Do you regret giving something up to have the other, or can you look back and say I did the best I could do, despite my shortcomings?


Yeah, it is def. a Monday mood.

10 Day Before/After and day 42 of Missouri 60.

August 5th Front

August 5th Side

July 26th Front

July 26th Side



Thar they are. It is officially day number 42 of the Missouri 60 challenge, which means I have 18 days to kick some ass. Again this round, I do not see an epic slew of changes, but I have reached my fateful plateau, the 190-195 range. I have been to this weight after TRYING to get in shape only once before, and once I hit 190 about 3 years ago... my body just said "fuck you" and completely stopped. I have been very close to this number for about two weeks now, as of this morning I weighed in at 191 pounds. The hardest part of all this is of course having my injuries, which prohibit me from doing if and any strenuous exercise, so I doubt this plateau will be broken anytime soon-ish. I hope to be at full speed by next Monday, so hopefully I can break out of it in a week or two.

The weird thing is that since I have not been doing as much exercise this week, my appetite has actually spiked, tenfold. It is epic strange, no doubt, but I have resisted pretty causally and no major errors have been made. Also, I think this weekend will be a little more chill, and hopefully that cushion will help me start on the right foot come Monday.

So fun fact: I have nearly the exact same body measurements of Michel Phelps... wingspan, torso, inner leg, feet, height, and even hand length. He of course produces a third less lactic acid as a professional athlete, has double jointed everything's, and pumps blood like a locomotive on steroids and crack, but hey. At most, my measurements differ from his by about half an inch... that being the inner leg area. I'm sure if I had more precise measuring methods I could come closer to discovering the actuality behind my claims, but just looking in the mirror I can see distinct features of myself that mirror on him in a much leaner, athletic, attractive way. When I was younger I was an elite swimmer, so maybe it is time to start that back up or something... who knows what could happen. I'm stronger than I've ever been before, and close to being as lean as I was back in high school. It's something to look forward to, I guess. And god, if I trained like him... I could eat ANYTHING. If that isn't motivation, I don't know what is.



Also, budweiser came out with a 55 calorie beer? OMG thank you Belgium.

Irritated, upset, etc.

I've been feeling really bummed out lately. Sunday was horrible, I felt like shit all day, and for some reason the entire day seemed to pass by like I was not really a part of it. Like an out of body experience. It left me feeling very disillusioned and distanced from everyone and everything, I don't really know how to explain it. And my rib, oh god, it hurts so bad right now, if I try to lift anything heavy I get a sharp pain up and down my right side, and this has been causing me a great deal of anxiety. I think I will have to go the doctor again and get an x-ray, because something is not right. Then, my finger, which has swollen up badly and makes it nearly impossible to grip anything... has completely put me out of commission. I can't run because of my rib, and I can't lift because of my finger and my rib. The only thing I can do is stick to my eating and hope that somehow, I will still be able to see some progress. All of these things have left me feeling pretty hopeless and it is extremely upsetting. I wish I was more social, better at expressing my emotions, or generally just more connected to people. I spend a majority of my time alone and I think with all these recent developments, it is really starting to mess with my mentality. I am not a religious person, nor do I place much faith in anything or anyone besides myself, but I honestly can not explain why these things that are happening to me, it almost seem premeditated. Like someone or something is actually trying to make me fail or give up, all I can think about right now is how much the world and my place in it sucks. I'm hurt physically to the point I can't do what I want to do for myself right now, and there is really nobody I want to talk about it with, because I hate being a burden. I need something, some kind of relief, I just don't know what.

Ouch.

So, lol. I went out hoping to have a good Friday night, and ended up in the emergency room after I sliced my hand open with a knife. I got a sweet cut, six stitches, and a $100 co-pay. Awesome. It went down to the bone and I nicked the tendon in my finger, so I'm basically not allowed to do anything with my right hand except change the gauze and brace. Needless to say I felt I deserved something after three hours in the emergency room on a friday night, so me and my buddy went to skyline at 3 in the morning. I got about half of what I used to get. Then this morning, I had an omellete and some fruit at Ihop. I had a few drinks too earlier in the evening (I was not drunk when I cut myself, btw) so it has not been the best weekend so far diet-wise, but tonight I will be heading up to columbus and hopefully I can be more conscious of my choices. But yeah, so I hope your weekend is going better than mine haha, have a good one people.

Blah

I'm a little bummed out today, and I have no idea why. Work was all right, nothing too special or exciting, and then I came home and slept. I got a call at around 7, my dad went to the emergency room because he was having chest pains, so I was there for about two hours, but everything seems to be all right now, though they are keeping him overnight. I dunno... I guess lately I have just had no motivation and I can't figure out why. I feel like my progress has been great but reaching my target weight seems like such an ordeal at times, and I ask myself... can I keep this up forever? One thing that really gets to me is cardio... I just can't ever seem to stay in the frame of mind that forces me to get out there and do it. It does not help that I just hate every second of it, and it really does not seem to be helping a whole lot. I mean, don't get me wrong... I've lost over 40 pounds and all, but how much credit can I give to jogging every once in awhile? And here I am, trying so desperately to get below 190 at least, and I'm on the verge of saying screw running and just continue my normal workout with Mike n' stuff. Plus, my rib is like epic sore, so working out just causes me more and more pain. And I didn't get to lift tonight because I was at the hospital... blah blah blah blah. I'm aggravated, and I feel a little distanced from my perspectives right now. These moods seem to come in waves, sometimes it is just so hard to stay focused because it requires an intense amount of mental energy. I would truly like to see some more distinct results... even though it has barely been two months, I can't shake the feeling that for the amount of effort I put into everything, my reward is bittersweet and not exactly what I expected. Three years ago, it was the reason I just said "fuck it" and went off my diet, stopped running, and gained all the weight back. I know that it is not going to happen this time because I actually enjoy lifting and eating healthy, because it makes me feel better about myself and also, my energy level is great. But like, I feel like I can't really enjoy the little things anymore, and it is disheartening. I'm in a really sour mood right now and I just feel like bitching about this endlessly, so I'll cut it off here in hopes of sparing the few of you. I'll see how my progress is at the end of the week, and hopefully some good news will reinforce my reslove. Hopefully. Anyways, have a good one, and keep making good choices.

10 day before/after and day 30 of Missouri 60

July 26th

July 26th

July 16th

July 16th


I dunno, you tell me. I did drop about 4 pounds though. I can't really see much of a difference.


So the reunion was good, I avoided all the bad food and I played football for about 3 hours, which was awesome. But it had a downside, because I think I bruised a rib while playing, and now I am nervous that it is going to mess with my working out for the week. Right now I'm at a standstill trying to decide whether or not to go through with chest day and take it slow, but I just don't know. Very aggravating. And I have been really freakin' tired these last few days, no idea why. Maybe it's just a Monday. Well, there you have it... 29 days left on my Missouri 60 challenge... I don't know if anyone else is even still doing it, lol. Anyways, I have to go food shopping, so see ya and have a great week!

Another vacation.

I'm in Pennsylvania right now, for a family reunion tomorrow. Been here since last night. It's been pretty good so far, haven't gone off my eating, and my sister has a bowflex in the basement, so I was able to do a decent arm workout, but not as sore today as I would like to be. Ran two miles last night as well, and today is my last day for the week, abs, back and running. I'll be getting to that later tonight. My brother might be coming over, which is pretty cool because I have never met or spoken to him before... I guess him and my dad had a sort-of falling out sometime around the time I was born. We will see how that goes...

Vacations are hard, we went out to breakfast this morning and of course the menu tried to kill me. I had two eggs, a piece of sausage, and a slice of toast, and took the other half home for my sister. Last night it was sausage and chicken pasta, and I had a chicken breast. I just keep reminding myself that Sunday is my official picture/weigh in day, and of course every say comes closer to my finishing the Missouri 60. I will be halfway done on Sunday, so it should be easier to judge and predict the type of progress I can make in the next 30 days.

Interesting note, I found this website that calculates your maximum fitness potential based on your height and wrist/ankle circumference, a lot of bodybuilders use the program because it is very accurate, suprisingly. With a calculated body fat percentage of ten, my maximum muscle potential is a 53' chest, 15' forearms, 19' biceps... and I can't remember the rest off the top of my head because I'm on a different computer and don't have the link available... but let's just say I have a long way to go.


Time for family time, have a good day everyone.

Success is a state of mind

We all have rough days, no doubt... and sometimes they can be to the point you begin making excuses for why you DON'T have to do something, or why TOMORROW is a much more opportune time. Sometimes it is completely unavoidable and in fact you will not be able to do what it is you set out to do, but when your just sitting around making excuses simply because they exist, well, your not being serious about what you want. A lot of people will say that fitness begins in the kitchen, but I would have to say that the true source of power comes from your mind. I know that most of you probably think about food, exercise and what you have to do later pretty much 24/7... I know that it is never off your mind. I know because I am the exact same way, and I know just how exhausting it can be. I guarantee that whatever your making an excuse for, right now, is complete bullshit. You can actually do whatever it is you need to do to get the job done and you damn well know it just like I do. It starts in your head, and there is no way around that, so just make the decision to do it. Your going to feel better, live better, and overall just be better.

When you don't want to do it, do it. That is the weapon of this war.

Value The Work

"We must remember that confidence kills. It will rob you of your desire and cheat you out of future victories and success. The ones who stay successful are those who realize the hunt is never over. One touchdown or one hundred touchdowns are the same thing if you don’t value the work."
- Animal

I've been so fired up this week. I got home on Sunday and saw my progress decline, I felt completely desolate and unworthy of all my sacrifices, and then a moment of clarity. It was when I realized that this is for good, and nothing is going stop me from getting there. Just knowing that kind of power exists inside of me is a refreshing sense of reality. But confidence can be a downfall. Knowing that I can does not mean that I will, and it is important to stay focused even when it begins to seem easy to dig deep and nail out the struggles. I have struggles left, demons to face, plenty of obstacles to overcome. What am I willing to give, knowing what the results will be? The truth is, I do not know what the results will be, for certainly I could die tomorrow and never get to where I want to be. But that is kind of the magic, that I will never be where I want to be, and the struggles will rise and fall just as they always have before. I'm just climbing higher mountains now. I'm climbing two right now, and I know that when I reach the top, there will be another. And another. Till the day I die, I will be climbing mountains and reaching out for what I desire. That mentality has been with me for the past few days, and it has never wavered. It has transcended my need and by desire because I have embedded it into my character over the course of this summer, and I think Sunday was something of a breaking point. I value the work, and I understand not only why I must continue, but why I can, and how to tap into that source of my mentality whenever it is needed. And I need it, all the time.